Maximizing Performance Through Applied Common Sense*

During this election time in our country where we decide on a new President, we are confronted with making choices among some curious candidates.

At your service,

Dr. Mitchell Perry  

 

Think about your life and how you are living it.  For most of us, our lives are filled with some great ups, some painful downs, and a whole boatload of underwhelming vanilla in the middle.  We frequently waste a lot of time either watching life go by, or stalling with great intentions to get going real soon.

Sometimes we gain wisdom, and that happens when we have our experience collide with reflection on that experience.  When we reflect on our experience... we often learn lessons. Those lessons are invaluable to help us make course corrections in our life journey. 

Life is short, and too often we say along the way, "If I knew then what I know now..."  And we say that with regret because we stalled for too long to learn the lessons. 

So, in your saner reflective moments in life, you might notice that your character plays such a huge role in the quality of your life. 

Your character is made up of:

• Your basic governing standards
• Your values
• Your standards of conduct
• Your rules of engagement
• Your priorities in life
• Your self-respect

Every morning when you wake up and look at yourself in the mirror, what do you see?  Are you pleased or embarrassed?  Proud or ashamed?  Impressed or depressed?  Excited or bored?  Energetic or listless?  Engaged or isolated?  Powerful or weak?  Do you feel meaningful or meaningless? 

Every morning, whether you like it or not, you wake up inside your own skin. 

"Wherever you go, there you are, so there you go!"  Which means you have to live with yourself, your feelings, your choices, and your behavior.  And, just like compounded interest in a bank account, there are long-term effects to those choices and behaviors. 

At the end of the day, the measure of your life is inevitably determined by your CHARACTER and all its strengths and weaknesses.  IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT YOUR CHARACTER!

So, what is the condition of your character?  What are your basic governing values?  What are the moral principles by which you want to live?  What is the gap between what you espouse and what you practice?  There is always going to be a gap; just how wide is it?  Is that okay with you?

The essential qualities for Strength of Character include:

1. INTEGRITY:  Honesty, legitimacy, the straight stuff, and full disclosure.  The willingness to be unpopular at times, by telling the truth.  The absence of lying, tap-dancing, pretending, spinning, stalling, distracting, rationalizing, justifying, and avoiding.  It's doing the right thing.. and most of the time we know what it is.
2. RESPONSIBILITY:  Your life is completely your responsibility.  As an adult, you own your situation -- you are responsible for your choices, your decisions, your preferences, your relationships, your financial health, your conduct, and your actions. If life is going well for you, you probably made it happen. If life is going poorly, you did that too.  And, if life is a giant boatload of underwhelming and wasting time, you did that too. The cards dealt to you are yours to play with; good or bad.  So take accountability, make your choices, apologize, clean up your mess, take your lumps and get on with it.  The energy spent on whining, complaining, and problem describing will be so much better spent on problem solving.
3. GENEROSITY OF SPIRIT:  This part of your Strength of Character is about giving more than taking, contributing more than consuming, caring more than expecting, investing more than expensing.  This part of you is where you are comfortable inside your own skin because you can find your calm, live in the light, derive meaning, and hear the quiet.  "You get more than you give when you give more than you get."  (Hmmm... random acts of kindness!)

Establish a higher standard for yourself and your life.  Life is too short to live a vanilla life.  People will treat you how you teach them to treat you.

People will respect you directly proportional to your self-respect.  Respect that person in the mirror!

Commit to integrity, Responsibility of Spirit... and then share your values and spread them around.

You are quite a role model!

Today's Tickle BECAUSE I'M A MAN           Because I'm a man -- when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in.  Calling AAA is out of the question.  I will win. Because I'm a man -- when the car is running poorly, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at.  If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things but now with all these computers and everything, I am clueless where to start."  We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion. Because I'm a man -- when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan.  You're a woman.  I will always get sicker than you, so for you, this is cake.  Because I'm a man -- I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like steaks, milk or bread.  I cannot be expected to find exotic items like tofu or tampons.  For all I know, these are the same thing. Because I'm a man -- when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.  Because I'm a man -- I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV.  If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it... though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator (former applies mainly to engineers).  Because I'm a man -- I carry with me a wallet... this item often fits in my pocket, and therefore, carries largely what I need every day -- some money, credit cards, ID cards, etc.  You carry a purse.  Certainly you can choose to put in your purse any number of items that you deem to be critical and necessary for your ongoing day-to-day existence.  Understand that asking me to carry and/or hold your purse is UNTHINKABLE, especially in public.  Please know that you and you alone will be hauling all that stuff around.  Because I'm a man -- it is unnecessary to ask me what I'm thinking about.  The true answer is always either golf, cars, sports or sex.  I have to make up something else when you ask, so avoid asking.  Because I'm a man -- it is unnecessary to ask me if I liked the movie.  Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I disliked it, and if you are feeling amorous afterwards, then I will certainly at least remember the name of the movie and recommend it to others.  Because I'm a man -- I think what you're wearing is fine.  I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine too.  Either pair of shoes is fine.  With the belt or without it looks fine.  Your hair is fine.  You look fine.  Can we just go now? Because I'm a man -- and this is, after all the year 2016, I will share equally in the housework.  You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... like hosing down the patio and wandering around in the garden with a soda, wondering what to do next.  This has been a public service message for women to Better Understand Men.

Hello,


Therefore, when you get married, you and your partner marry the "courtship behavior."

 

 

Love and Marriage

Regardless of how happy and fulfilling your marriage or relationship is, inevitably you will encounter difficulties and disappointments along the way.  Often times it is either because you have become emotionally malnourished, you both feel unloved and/or unimportant, your relationship needs a tune-up, or perhaps the magic has faded.  Most marriage partners fail to do the ongoing maintenance of the relationship to keep it healthy.    To rebuild a relationship that has gotten lost over the years, you must have a clear, compelling picture of the relationship you want. Then you both must commit to become equipped with the skills and habits to creating and maintaining that renewed and nourishing relationship.     A relationship lives in words and action, much like a play. If your relationship has become its own version of a bad play, then to make a better play (relationship), you must write and practice good scripts.  One way that you can create good marriage scripts is by figuring out what you and your partner want out of the relationship.  In essence, it is time to "rewrite the screenplay."    Start by having the following dialogue with your partner: What do you want me to know about you? What do you want/need from me?  (Attention, time, listening, etc.) Here's what I want you to know about me...  Here's what I need from you...   How would you say our normal conversations work? What is our predictable screenplay?   What are the road blocks to improving our marriage?  (Self pity, score keeping, name calling, guilt trips, indifference, withdrawal, etc.) What are we going to do differently going forward? Be sure to find out what your partner wants, and then give your partner what your partner wants.  YOU MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!   Attention Husbands!  Find out what your wife wants and give it to her -- because you did during courtship!  Here is most likely what she wants: Listen to me and then listen some more (and look interested).  Pay attention to me and BE with me... because "I am who I'm with."  I am largely defined by my relationships. Empathize more and quit giving me advice (unless I ask for it).  Hold me, cherish me, show me I'm the one!  I must be the dominant source of your happiness.  Attention Wives!  Find out what your husband wants and give it to him -- because you did during courtship!  Here is most likely what he wants: Look good, lose the weight, and dress up, because how you look is critical to me. Pay attention to me and DO with me... because "I am what I do."  I am largely defined by achievements.  Sexual gymnastics (complete with howling at the moon). Treat me like a king!  I must be a big deal in your eyes. Take these steps with your partner and see what happens.    Re-scripting your relationship can only lead to a better understanding of yourself... and your partner.   Then pay the freight, take initiative, practice new habits and restore the courtship.    AND REMEMBER, REINFORCE EACH OTHER MORE THAN YOU CRITICIZE / IGNORE... 5 TIMES MORE!        Today's Tickle         A BAPTIST COWBOY A cowboy, who just recently moved from Texas to Wyoming, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of beer. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each mug in turn.   When he finishes them all, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.   The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."   The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."   The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.   The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way.  He orders three mugs of beer and drinks them in turn.   One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs.   All the regulars take notice and fall silent.   When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I want to offer my condolences on your loss."   The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.   "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "It hasn't affected my brothers though..."

 

 

                                                       THE PERRY PLAN   

                                              STICKING WITH YOUR COMMITMENT

1. If I can't eat what I want, I can't enjoy life.
2. If I don't begin to eat sensibly, I won't stay healthy.
3. If I don't exercise, I can't lose weight.
4. Diets don't work if you don't stick to them.
5. If I don't make this diet work, I don't know what else I can do.
6. There isn't a single weight loss program that doesn't include dieting and exercise.  
7. If I can't have carbs, I don't want anything.
8. I don't disagree with that.
9. Junk food's not necessarily bad for me.

IT IS WHAT IS BETWEEN YOUR EARS THAT WILL BE THE SOURCE OF SUCCESS WITH LOSING WEIGHT AND KEEPING IT OFF.

• Loss of control
• Unrealistic expectations
• Emotional or situational upset
• Small setback triggers feelings of total failure
• You discount any gains
• Lack of accountability either internal or external
• The defeatist attitude prevails
• Learned helplessness and chronic powerlessness

1. Goal Setting (realistic and achievable)
2.  Language of Inclusion© (the Optimism Tool to program yourself for strength)
3.  Avoiding Traps (identify what knocks you back)
4.  Recovery (how to handle setbacks)
5.  Internalization of the Fundamental Four©

                 Observation
                  Motivation
                  Inclusion

1. Locomotion:  Just MOVE!  Any kind of movement to get your heart rate up.  Changing exercise to MOVE every day, even if it is just for a few minutes.  Brushing your teeth is a habit, it is non-negotiable, therefore, MOVE becomes the same habit.  Do something to get your heart moving.  Dance, swim, wax the car, walk around the block, just MOVE!
2. Observation:  "Check the GAUGE."  Do you know what it is like to eat until you are satisfied?  Do you eat until you are extremely full?  Are you always hungry when dieting?  Learn to routinely check the GAUGE.  Are you empty, content, full, or stuffed?  Eat when you are hungry and stop when you are content. 
3. Motivation:  For what are you eating;  nutrition?  Are you eating because you want nutrition and good fuel connection?  Are you are eating because you want to connect with others?  Could you connect without constantly eating?  Medication?  Are you treating an emotional condition with food?  Are you eating because you are lonely, stressed, depressed, or upset? Does eating actually relieve loneliness?  Does that make any sense?  Connecting with people probably will do a better job.  You will learn to understand and therefore control your insane habits while replacing them with common sense ones. 
4. Inclusion:  This is the secret sauce... learning to change your language which will reprogram your brain to operate from strength. The Language of Inclusion© -- created and developed by Dr. Perry over 25 years -- this language skill has proven to improve the quality of life for many thousands of people worldwide.   

• The Perry Plan workbook: Winning the Losing Game
• The Perry Plan CD's - 3 audio CD's
• Road to Optimism (CD, Book / DVD that started it all!

NOTICE!  ALERT! 

A highly dangerous virus called the "WEEKLY OVERLOAD RECREATIONAL KILLER" (WORK) is currently going around and is highly contagious.  If you come in contact with this WORK virus it is highly recommended that you go immediately to the nearest "BIOLOGICAL ANXIETY RELIEF"(BAR) center to take any of the following known antidotes:

• WORK ISOLATING NEUTRALIZER EFFECT (WINE)
• RADIOACTIVE UNWORK MEDICINE (RUM)
• BOTHERSOME EMPLOYER ELIMINATION REBOOTER (BEER)
• VACCINE OFFICIAL DEPRESSION KILLING ANTIGEN (VODKA)

You are highly advised after taking any of the above antidotes to post this notice without further delay to raise awareness.  The WORK virus is highly infectious to citizens in our society.

Thank you.

A public service for the preservation of the entitlement society. 

 

Hello All,

If you need to be perfect and the thought of alphabetizing your cans of soup gets you all tingly and excited, then go ahead and obsess about order.
On the other hand, you might want to attach some Common Sense to your perfection obsession.
Happy Turkey Day!
Dr. Mitchell Perry

 THE PERFECTION OBSESSION

Many people have standards, values, and guiding principles by which they live. For these individuals, standards and values are helpful guidelines for living; however, sometimes these standards become too rigid and strict. In some cases, the standard expectations of excellence are so high that the individual becomes obsessed with having to be perfect. This is called the "Perfection Obsession." I have encountered countless people, both personally and professionally, who are obsessed with being perfect. In moderation, striving for excellence is a terrific basic governing value. Yet, many of us take "having to be perfect" to the extreme, and later develop psychological, physiological, and interpersonal disorders.

I often find multi-dimensional origins to the perfection obsession. When suffering from perfection obsession, people frequently cultivate an unshakable irrational belief system in addition to rigid behavior patterns. Dr. Albert Ellis presents the perfection obsession as one of his eleven irrational ideas that contributes strongly to mental illness and emotional disorders. He describes this irrational obsession as "the idea that one must be thorough, competent and achieving in all possible respects, and if perchance this is not achieved, there is something terribly wrong." As you can see, when we become firmly entrenched in this kind of thinking, we become anxious, irritated, depressed, or hostile if we're exposed as being less than perfect.

Sometimes people who are afflicted with perfection obsession have grown up in a double-bind family environment. A double-bind family environment is a "damned if you do/damned if you don't," or "Catch 22" situation. For example, suppose a child is continually told the following two conflicting messages by his parents or other authority figures:

1. "You'll never amount to anything unless you achieve."
2. "Whatever you achieve will always be insufficient."

As you can see, the child has only two options:

1. To keep achieving in hopes of reaching perfection someday, or
2. To become so miserable, inadequate, and defeated that it leads to severe depression.

Most people with the perfection obsession choose the first option. The perfection obsession can manifest itself in a variety of ways. Some of the behavior patterns are familiar - those of a workaholic, a narcissist, a compulsive cleaner, a neat-nik, a compulsive organizer, and/or an ultimate authority on every subject.

Workaholics often constantly work to the point of masochism. Most are working to compensate for intense feelings of inadequacy; in this case, a fear of being less than perfect. By committing their time and energy to work and by excluding other people, they feel safer - that is to say, it is less likely that other people will discover that they are in fact, imperfect.

Other people can become "perfect" narcissists - obsessed with their appearance, making sure they look perfectly neat, coifed, clean, groomed, pressed, smoothed, sprayed, made-up, tanned, physically shaped, and coordinated. The risk here is that "perfect" people might avoid potentially fun or educational activities that would expose them as being imperfect. As a result, the "perfect" person may seldom relax for fear of having an imperfect physical image. This narcissistic condition has become greatly amplified in the past two decades. An example is the movie "Perfect" which portrays a woman's obsession with exercise to create the flawless body. Sometimes they become obsessed with and addicted to plastic surgery to further their perfection needs.

Many people are concerned about cleanliness and orderliness at home and work. The neat-nik, however, is obsessed with cleanliness and orderliness. This person will spend hours cleaning every nook and cranny in the kitchen, will work for days making the office files letter perfect, or will devote the entire weekend to scrubbing the back porch and driveway. The compulsive neat-nik's behavior ensures the maintenance of control. The neat nik fears losing control because that would mean revealing personal imperfections.

Still, other people can become obsessed with perfection in their thinking, dialogue and knowledge. Have you ever dealt with someone who has an opinion and an answer for everything? These people like to be the ultimate authority. They will often times read voraciously and store vast amounts of knowledge, and will likely get quite anxious if the answer fails to immediately come to mind or if memory fails for even a moment. Professional people, in particular, can become obsessed with perfection in their chosen field. The idea of saying, "I don't know" is unthinkable. Instead, there is a recorded message playing internally that says, "Unless I am a perfect, flawless professional, other people will lose respect for me." An additional problem that arises from this erroneous thinking is that other people begin to expect perfection from professionals who promote infallibility. This leads to a tough bind. I wonder if there would be less medical malpractice litigation if some physicians were less obsessed with projecting perfection, and if the public could then allow them to be fallible and human? Further, physicians can learn to better manage patient's expectations so the patients realize the outcome of an operation might be less than perfect. Finally, malpractice lawsuits are likely to be less when the physician apologizes for making mistakes.

The difficult part of being obsessed with perfection is the continual anxiety about making mistakes and exposing humanness, fallibility and imperfection.   The obsessive person thinks: "If I make a mistake, I will lose respect," and "if I'm imperfect, I'm vulnerable and out of control." Notice how often we tell ourselves those lines. This belief system states that anything less than perfect would be received with disapproval in other people's eyes - an extension of the childhood double-bind scenario.
In reality, the contrary is true. We actually like people less for their perfections because perfection tends to scare and intimidate us. If we encounter someone who appears perfect, we are immediately reminded of our own imperfections, which can make us feel uncomfortable and inadequate. In addition, we find it difficult to identify with someone who is perfect. We are able to relax only when we encounter someone who, while having high standards, also lets his or her imperfections and "human qualities" show through. The more human a person is, the more we are able to feel comfortable and identify with this person.

The perfection obsession is oriented toward reactive thinking and is motivated by the potential consequences of failing to do something. "Perfect" people are unable to relax because they are always making an effort to be perfect - reacting to the fear of the potential consequence of appearing imperfect, flawed, and out of control. This constant reactive obsession results in anxiety, dogmatism, and lowered creative potential and performance. If we are unable to relax, we are denying ourselves the opportunity to grow; therefore, learning and progress are halted.

What can you do about this?

1. Ask yourself this question: "What is the worst that can happen if I am less than perfect?" Really consider this question because... chances are, the answer is hardly fatal.
2. Practice saying, "I don't know" when you in fact find yourself without an answer. People will be quite accepting of your limitations.
3. Consider leaving the house (or a small portion of it) messy for one day. It is interesting to see that your house, friends, and you too will survive, and as a result, the obsession decreases.
4. List all of your standards on paper and consider the standards that are unreasonable. The anxiety automatically diminishes.

Now ask yourself:

1. What am I noticing about myself and my perfection obsession?
2. What are my options to alter these behaviors?
3. What am I learning about these options?
4. What will I now do differently?

 Today's Tickle

Church Ladies With Typewriters

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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And this one just about sums them all up

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

At your service,
 
Dr. Mitchell Perry
JM Perry Learning