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People can be difficult... and dealing effectively
with people in business is crucial to your success. When you learn how
to identify and deal more effectively with people's behavior in business
you are way ahead of the game, and your career (and sanity) will benefit
enormously. These skills and benefits can be of great value in the
following circumstances:
- When applying for a new job
- Asking for a promotion or a referral
- Maintaining balance and equilibrium on the job
- Gaining a new account
- Succeeding in the merger, reorganization or acquisition of
your company
- Navigating through the political waters at work
- Doing the maintenance on a difficult colleague or customer
Let's begin by identifying some popular difficult
personality types.
- The Hostile - This type includes:
- The Bully - the boss or coworker or business
contact who takes pleasure in running over you or throwing you under
the bus.
- The Sniper - the person who says something nasty
and pretends to be innocent.
- The Exploder - Their favorite line is "Don't
make me mad," so you are always on guard for an explosion.
- The Negative/Critical Complainer -
Everything is always wrong, bad, awful, and miserable. They are professional
whiners.
- The Unresponsive - They are silent,
non-communicative, unemotional, and distant. It is impossible to
tell what their position is on anything.
- The Indecisive - Perpetually ambivalent,
stalling, uncommitted; they are afraid of making mistakes, being
wrong, and being exposed.
- The Judge/Calculator - "Let me analyze
this," remaining critical, pejorative, everything is slightly
flawed and imperfect.
- The Passive/Aggressive - Appearing compliant
while sabotaging, undermining, and criticizing all the time.
- The Professional Victim - Self pity,
wallowing in "Ain't it awful?" "I'm so
mistreated." "You can't possibly understand what I've
been through." "It isn't fair!"
Sound familiar? What do you do about these types
when you have to work with them, answer to them, persuade them?
Here are some effective strategies you can use:
(Remember that different types require different tools, and it is helpful if
you can use many people tools in your tool box.)
- Keep a smile going, remain strong, impervious to the
manipulations (works well on the Negative Complainers).
- Remove yourself (when possible) from the difficult person,
its a frustration when they lack an audience (works on the Bully).
- Validate their opinion before you counter with yours. They
will be less difficult when they feel valued.
- Listen first. Listening is the best way to get your
point across. As Dr. Stephen Covey says in The 7 Habits of
Highly Effective People, "seek first to understand, then be
understood" (works on everyone, especially the
Judge/Calculator).
- Replace "yeah but" in your dialog with "on the
other hand." This small change will calm down escalation of
contests and conflicts.
- Ask them to help you understand. People are less likely
to be difficult when asked for help (works on the Indecisive and
Unresponsive).
- Reinforce their value following a criticism. People
respond to what they heard last, therefore, they will be less defensive.
- Engage in three or more options. People will be less
contestual when there are multiple options available.
- Replace "you should" with "you might" or
"I encourage you to..." People get very difficult when
they hear the word "should."
- Expose their routine. Announce your confusion with
mixed messages from them (sometimes effective on
Passive/Aggressive).
Above all, maintain your power and your sense of
humor. People can only wreck your day with your consent. Though
certainly difficult people often appear to want you to enjoy their misery
with them, keep in mind you can always allow them to enjoy their private
party by themselves. Remember the movie, "War Games?"
At the end of the movie, the computer concluded "the only way to win, is
not to play." How true sometimes.
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