Tuesday, September 20, 2016
September 2016 - Axioms of Life
Hello,
Life is messy and navigating through it is
difficult. So here is your "How-to Guide to Life!"
At your service,
Dr. Mitchell Perry |
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AXIOMS OF LIFE©
Rarely do we get much guidance or training
on how to best live life. Most of us bumble through in a trial-and-error
mode. Many of us end up behaving like everyone else, which is often
counter-productive and a perfect illustration of peer pressure at work.
For example, you may notice that most of us
now use the word "like" every fifth word in our
dialogue. We are often completely unaware of the habit: it is just that
"LIKE everyone is doing it! It's LIKE incredible. It's LIKE so
LIKE amazing!"
We know as adults that being skilled in
relationship and performance effectiveness is VERY important. It is so
important that we often conclude that relationship effectiveness is likely to
be among the MOST valuable competencies we can have. On the other hand,
it is curious that getting along effectively with others has been a subject missing from
school curriculums since there have been schools.
After a few decades of practicing in the
human relationship and performance effectiveness business, I have come to realize
there are some incontrovertible truths about the business of living. Living
by these truths can make your life much more fulfilling, especially if you
want to be happy and successful (as most of us do). I call these truths AXIOMS
OF LIFE©.
To get started, here are a few given
assumptions I encourage you to review:
Assumption #1
- OLD BELIEFS + OLD HABITS = PREDICTABLE
CONSEQUENSES
Consider smoking, over-eating,
over-spending, lying, being irresponsible, blaming others, playing victim,
etc. If life is going badly for you, you are probably unaware of how you
helped that happen.
- NEW BELIEFS + NEW HABITS = NEW
CONSEQUENCES (perhaps improved!)
Consider the consequences of new
commitments and disciplined habits in relationships, fiscal literacy,
persuasion, good health, strength of character, education, high standards,
and self-respect.
Assumption #2
- My ongoing behavior and habits are a result of my ongoing
beliefs.
- Whatever I expect to see, I will likely arrange to confirm.
- What I focus on expands.
- Whatever I rehearse, I will duplicate.
Assumption #3
- When we effectively change and improve our beliefs, our
perspectives, and our habits, we will gain different and by far better
outcomes.
In order to make lasting
changes and improvements, I must:
SO HOW DO I GET STARTED?
For
your consideration, here are my AXIOMS OF LIFE©
The
only life to which you are entitled is the one you are living. The nature of
your experience in that life is for you to decide.
Often
life is supposed to be different than the way it is. You are supposed to be
good looking, healthy, fortunate, born into a good family, educated, safe, privileged,
smart, lucky, respected, and popular. You are supposed to be happy,
brilliant, successful, and perpetually young.
AND,
while all the above is the way life is supposed to be, you will likely
notice that life is often quite different. Life turns left when it is
supposed to turn right. Sometimes you get sick, let down, betrayed, lose your
job, divorce, waste your time, make bad decisions, perpetuate bad habits, and
get old. In addition, you may notice you are often complaining and describing
the problem more than doing something to solve it.
SO
WHAT DO YOU DO?
PLAY THE CARDS THAT ARE DEALT!
Most
people prefer to complain about the situation they are in rather than
figuring out how to improve their situation. Remember, LIFE IS AS IT IS,
INSTEAD OF HOW IT SHOULD BE.
Consider
what Christopher Reeve did. After finding fame and fortune as a movie star
and celebrity, he experienced a horrific accident in 1995 from which he
became a quadriplegic. He was confined to a wheelchair and required a
portable ventilator for the rest of his life. He lobbied on behalf of people
with spinal-cord injuries and
for human embryonic stem cell research,
founding the Christopher Reeve Foundation and co-founding the Reeve-Irvine Research Center.
Somehow, he decided to play the cards that were dealt and still touched the
lives of millions until his death in 2004 at age 52.
If
your life destination has a roadblock, figure out a way to get around it.
Life is too short to waste your time whining, stalling, rationalizing, and
swimming in self-pity.
Remember,
DOING IT RIGHT IS SECONDARY. DOING IT IS PRIMARY! So replace the
whining habit with energy to create solutions and action.
2.
LIFE IS FAIR, UNFAIR, AND BOTH.
When
you are little, you routinely complain to your parents that life is unfair.
Your children likely say the same thing to you, "That is not fair!"
And, the answer is, "That's right!" Some things are fair, and some
things are unfair, and in life it is often both. LIFE IS MESSY.
Whoever
said that life is supposed to be fair? If you believe life is supposed to be
fair, you are likely to be miserable and swimming upstream (see Axioms #1 and
#7).
Some
people seem to get better breaks. Some situations are blocked for you. Some circumstances
have unfair outcomes. Sometimes you will be denied admission, you will be
abandoned, cheated, deceived, and some family members will get more and treat
you disrespectfully. Sometimes people will appear to discriminate against
you. Sometimes bad things happen to good people... and it's unfair.
WHAT
DO YOU DO?
ADAPT, ADJUST, IMPROVISE, AND OVERCOME!
Plot
an alternative course to your destination. Keep your standards high, maintain
your self-respect, do the right thing, love what you can love and let the
rest go... and keep going! It is all about the journey more than the goal.
3. WHAT I RADIATE, I ATTRACT. WHAT I FOCUS ON
EXPANDS. PEOPLE WILL TREAT ME HOW I TEACH THEM TO TREAT ME.
Think
about this. It might just be
so obvious you might miss it.
Think
about how you routinely behave. If people are warm around you, you might be
helping them to behave that way. If people are distant and non-responsive,
you might be teaching them to behave that way. If you expect people to be
unimpressed with you, you will likely conclude they are.
What
you radiate, you attract. Generally, if you are warm, people are inclined to
be warm in return. If you are hostile, people reward you either with distance
or hostility in return.
You become more interesting when you are interested.
More
than you know, you teach people how to treat you. So think about how
you behave in the first place. Love begets love. Hate begets hate. Distance
begets distance. Criticism begets loneliness.
Your
pride is often very expensive and a colossal time waster.
WHAT
DO YOU DO?
RADIATE WHAT YOU WANT TO ATTRACT.
As
Ken Keys says, "A
loving person lives in a loving world. A hostile person lives in a hostile
world. Everyone you meet is your mirror."
YOUR
CHOICE OF HOW YOU CONDUCT YOURSELF IN YOUR WORLD LARGELY CREATES THE WORLD
AROUND YOU.
4. AS AN ADULT, I AM RESPONSIBLE.
The
biggest indicator of being an adult is the willingness and practice of taking
responsibility for yourself, your actions, decisions, relationships, behaviors,
beliefs, feelings, successes and failures. To continually blame everyone else
and avoid responsibility is a habit that too often will keep you dependent,
weak, and in emotional prison.
If
life is going well for you, you probably had a huge contribution in creating
that - good habits, health, wealth, positive relationships, happiness,
success.
If
life is terrible, you probably also contributed to that outcome - bad habits,
poor health, broke, upside down financially, under-educated, miserable, weak,
irresponsible, dishonest, dependent.
If
life is a huge pile of boring, underwhelming, meaningless, and
unimpressive... you did that too: simply putting in time, doing just enough
to get by, waiting for "hump day," pay day, retirement, and life to
be over. Passing your life with time, rather than passing your time with
life.
Remember, you CAN avoid being responsible by refusing to
do anything. Note: "Doing nothing" is a decision and a choice for
which you must also take responsibility.
SO
WHAT DO YOU DO?
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF.
Operate
from high standards, self-respect, and strength of character. Own your
situation, your decisions, your conduct, and your life direction. Look
in the mirror and if you like and respect what you see... then good for you!
On the other hand, if you are unhappy with what you see, and your
self-respect is in the tank, then it is time to take more responsibility
for yourself and do something about it.
5. FORGIVENESS WORKS WONDERS.
Pride
is very expensive. Think about how often you are angry, betrayed, insulted,
rejected, abandoned, cynical, humiliated, let down, embarrassed, and/or upset
by someone or some people. Often you will be so bothered that you refuse
to forgive them.
Now,
think about the effect on you. You remain in this emotional prison
refusing to forgive. Sometimes you are unable to let it go and get on with
your life. You remain bitter, hurt, scared, angry, prideful, and wanting a
pound of flesh. Further, you may start noticing that in reflection, you may
have had some contribution to the bad experience and/or you
continue to punish yourself for being so weak, stupid, vulnerable, etc. Now
you are unable to forgive them and unable to forgive yourself. Most of
the time your pride prevents you from getting out of emotional prison. So you
waste time that you are unable to get back.
WHAT
DO YOU DO?
DECIDE TO FORGIVE. NOW!
Forgive
others and yourself for being imperfect and human. Then you can get on
with life with less focus on being emotionally hostage and with more focus on
your next chapter. Forgiveness lets go of being stuck in the past and
charts a new course for the future.
Consider
what is more important:
When you forgive YOU get out of emotional prison and you develop grace. The bonus is that
sometimes you get to reestablish and restore important relationships.
6. I MUST CHANGE MY BEHAVIOR FIRST.
It
is the best way to cascade change around you. We are all responsible for
at least 50% contribution to every outcome in relationships in which we
participate.
We
all contribute to the outcomes if they are good and also if they are bad. We
are either often causing the problems and/or enabling them to continue.
When
you change your contribution FIRST, you will create a condition where others
HAVE to adjust and change. Sometimes the only way to win is to refuse to
play.
Remember,
you have much more control and power over YOUR own behavior and conduct
anyway.
WHAT
DO YOU DO?
MAKE THE FIRST MOVE.
Reach
out, compliment, reinforce, forgive, listen, understand, empathize, show
patience, respect, and flexibility. Ask them to dance.
Quit
enabling, refuse to participate, remove yourself from toxic circumstances,
trust your judgment, choose to operate from strength. Let them infect their
own lives. The only way that someone can take advantage of you is with your
consent.
Choose
your self-respect first.
Mahatma
Gandhi said, "You must be the change you wish to see in the
world."
7. ACCEPTANCE IS DIFFERENT FROM APPROVAL.
I
can accept without agreeing. I can also accept without concluding resignation
or defeat. See Axiom #1, "Life is as it is, instead of how it should
be." Sometimes in order to function in life, I must accept how things
are rather than getting upset and disapproving or retreating in defeat.
Think
about life as a river, I can go downstream and get in the river in the
direction it is flowing rather than fighting life by swimming upstream and
wasting energy or disconnecting and disengaging from life and relationships.
In this context, there are types of people:
A. BYSTANDERS. People who watch life go by
without any engagement. They avoid contributing to society and spend their
time being oblivious, feeling entitled, and/or being apathetic. They act like
they have years in their life instead of life in their years. They
are unaware there is a river anywhere or where it is going.
B. EXHAUSTERS. People who swim upstream
and fight life. They are often unhappy, angry, defensive, critical,
suspicious, cranky, pessimistic; they compensate for weaknesses and describe
the problem. These people always seem to have a cause, a protest, a
need to make life fair, a hyper-sensitivity to life being unfair, a constant
need to fix and repair people, and an inability to reconcile the difference
between how life should be and how it is.
C. SURFERS. People who go downstream contributing
to society, optimistic, capitalizing on strengths, solving the problems. These people surf the
waves, avoid the rocks, contribute to the greater good, and enjoy life. They
pursue happiness and enjoy it after they find it. They help people to help
themselves. They spend more time reinforcing and appreciating than
criticizing and invalidating.
The
Surfers can accept without having to approve all the time. They make room for
lots of types of people and situations. They can embrace the differences more
than condemn them. They can forgive, change their behavior first, and take
responsibility for themselves.
WHAT
DO YOU DO?
START SURFING AND GOING DOWNSTREAM.
"Even
if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit
there." - Will Rogers
"The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue
happiness. You must catch it yourself." - Benjamin Franklin
8.
LIFE IS ABOUT
LEARNING LESSONS, AND LESSONS WILL BE REPEATED UNTIL THEY ARE LEARNED.
Every
one of life's dilemmas is doing you a favor by opening a window for you to
learn a lesson. How much are you willing to pay the freight and learn the
lesson?
What
happens if you fail to learn the lesson? You remain destined to repeat it
over and over again.
Consider
some very expensive lessons to learn:
- Physical and financial
irresponsibility: Consuming more than you need and spending more than you
have.
- Demonstrating poor
character without integrity, responsibility, and generosity of spirit.
WHAT
DO YOU DO?
REFLECT ON YOUR EXPERIENCES, LEARN THE LESSONS, AND CLEAN UP
YOUR MESS.
Wisdom happens when experience collides with reflection on
experience. So, make a point to regularly reflect on your experiences to
determine life's lessons.
Remember,
happiness is about wanting what you have rather than having what you want. He who dies with the most
toys is still dead.
Here
are some final thoughts for your consideration.
"We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality,
tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects
all indirectly." Martin Luther King
"Our deepest fear is not that we are
inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is
our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am
I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child
of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing
enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around
you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest
the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in
everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other
people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our
presence automatically liberates others."
Marianne Williamson from A Return To Love: Reflections on the
Principles of A Course in Miracles.
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