Maximizing Performance Through Applied Common Sense*

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Therefore, when you get married, you and your partner marry the "courtship behavior."

 

 

Love and Marriage

Regardless of how happy and fulfilling your marriage or relationship is, inevitably you will encounter difficulties and disappointments along the way.  Often times it is either because you have become emotionally malnourished, you both feel unloved and/or unimportant, your relationship needs a tune-up, or perhaps the magic has faded.  Most marriage partners fail to do the ongoing maintenance of the relationship to keep it healthy.    To rebuild a relationship that has gotten lost over the years, you must have a clear, compelling picture of the relationship you want. Then you both must commit to become equipped with the skills and habits to creating and maintaining that renewed and nourishing relationship.     A relationship lives in words and action, much like a play. If your relationship has become its own version of a bad play, then to make a better play (relationship), you must write and practice good scripts.  One way that you can create good marriage scripts is by figuring out what you and your partner want out of the relationship.  In essence, it is time to "rewrite the screenplay."    Start by having the following dialogue with your partner: What do you want me to know about you? What do you want/need from me?  (Attention, time, listening, etc.) Here's what I want you to know about me...  Here's what I need from you...   How would you say our normal conversations work? What is our predictable screenplay?   What are the road blocks to improving our marriage?  (Self pity, score keeping, name calling, guilt trips, indifference, withdrawal, etc.) What are we going to do differently going forward? Be sure to find out what your partner wants, and then give your partner what your partner wants.  YOU MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!   Attention Husbands!  Find out what your wife wants and give it to her -- because you did during courtship!  Here is most likely what she wants: Listen to me and then listen some more (and look interested).  Pay attention to me and BE with me... because "I am who I'm with."  I am largely defined by my relationships. Empathize more and quit giving me advice (unless I ask for it).  Hold me, cherish me, show me I'm the one!  I must be the dominant source of your happiness.  Attention Wives!  Find out what your husband wants and give it to him -- because you did during courtship!  Here is most likely what he wants: Look good, lose the weight, and dress up, because how you look is critical to me. Pay attention to me and DO with me... because "I am what I do."  I am largely defined by achievements.  Sexual gymnastics (complete with howling at the moon). Treat me like a king!  I must be a big deal in your eyes. Take these steps with your partner and see what happens.    Re-scripting your relationship can only lead to a better understanding of yourself... and your partner.   Then pay the freight, take initiative, practice new habits and restore the courtship.    AND REMEMBER, REINFORCE EACH OTHER MORE THAN YOU CRITICIZE / IGNORE... 5 TIMES MORE!        Today's Tickle         A BAPTIST COWBOY A cowboy, who just recently moved from Texas to Wyoming, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of beer. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each mug in turn.   When he finishes them all, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.   The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."   The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."   The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.   The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way.  He orders three mugs of beer and drinks them in turn.   One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs.   All the regulars take notice and fall silent.   When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I want to offer my condolences on your loss."   The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.   "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "It hasn't affected my brothers though..."

 

 

When you get married, you marry the "courtship behavior."  It's insane to stop the very behavior you marry!

So, restore the courtship behavior and you strengthen your union together.

Dr. Mitchell Perry


    Love and Marriage

Regardless of how happy and fulfilling your marriage or relationship is, inevitably you will encounter difficulties and disappointments along the way.  Often times it is either because you have become emotionally malnourished, your relationship needs a tune-up, or perhaps the magic has faded.  To rebuild a relationship that has gotten lost over the years, you need a clear, compelling picture of the relationship you want.  Then you both must commit to creating and maintaining that partnership. 

A relationship lives in words and action, much like a play.  If your relationship has become its own version of a bad play, then to make a better play (relationship), you need to write and practice good scripts. 

One way that you can create good marriage scripts is by figuring out what you and your partner want out of the relationship.  In essence, it is time to "rewrite the screenplay." 

Start by having the following dialogue with your partner:

1. What do you want me to know about you? What do you want/need from me?  (Attention, time, listening, etc.)
2. Here's what I want you to know about me.  Here's what I need from you.   
3. How would you say our normal conversations work?
4. What is our predictable screenplay?  
5. What are the road blocks to improving our marriage?  (Self pity, score keeping, name calling, guilt trips, etc.)
6. What are we going to do differently going forward?

Be sure to find out what your partner wants, and then give your partner what your partner wants.  YOU MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!

Remember what your woman wants, and give it to her, because you did during courtship!  Here is most likely what she wants:

1. Listen to me and then listen some more (and look interested).
2. Pay attention to me and BE with me... because "I am who I'm with."
3. Empathize and quit giving me advice (unless I ask for it). 
4. Hold me, cherish me, show me I'm the one!  I must be the dominant source of your happiness.

Remember what your man wants, and give it to him, because you did during courtship!  Here is most likely what he wants:

1. Look good, lose the weight, and dress up, because how you look is critical to me.
2. Pay attention to me and DO with me... because "I am what I do."
3. Sexual gymnastics (complete with howling at the moon!)
4. Treat me like a king!  I must be a big deal in your eyes.

Take these steps with your partner and see what happens.  Re-scripting your relationship can only lead to a better understanding of yourself... and your partner.

Then pay the freight, take initiative, practice new habits and restore the courtship.

And, remember reinforce more than you criticize... 5 times more!