Maximizing Performance Through Applied Common Sense*

EMBRACE COMMON SENSE... and Common Sense is very uncommon!

      
Dr. Mitchell Perry


"COMMON SENSE"

Notice how often you hear people say...

"That's just common sense... everyone knows that!"

And, that's true, most everyone does know that!

IT'S OBVIOUS!

However, much of the time, the difficult challenge is to recognize the common sense right in front of you.

When you think of any dilemma you have, you might notice that more than half the time, the MAGIC IS IN THE OBVIOUS. The solutions, the answers, the next steps, the options to proceed, are right in front of your face... IT'S OBVIOUS!

However, sometimes you are simply just too close to it and your emotions create filters and amplifiers that cloud out the obvious and reality. It is as if you ask yourself, "Where are my glasses?" and then you realize they are right on your nose.

-       YOUR MONEY - If you are concerned about your financial situation, you may want to realize the OBVIOUS, that perhaps you are spending more than you make. It's time to spend less.

-       YOUR HEALTH - If you have high blood pressure, Type-2 diabetes, hypertension, ache a lot, feel unattractive, are gasping for breath at the top of stairs, and are medicating with food... you may want to realize the OBVIOUS, that your being overweight is compromising your health, longevity, and well-being. Perhaps it is time to finally lose weight and keep it off.

-       YOUR SELF-PITY - If you notice that you spend most of your time complaining, whining, feeling self-pity, and playing victim... then you may want to realize the OBVIOUS, that you are spending too much time describing your problem rather than solving it. Perhaps it is time to start taking responsibility for yourself, your life, your choices, and your behavior and start SOLVING it.

-       YOUR CHILDISHNESS - If you notice that you are always blaming everyone else for your situation, then you may want to realize the OBVIOUS and start owning the cards that are dealt and look in the mirror. Perhaps it is time to take your future in your hands.

-       YOUR CUSTOMER SERVICE - If your business is doing poorly, and customers are failing to come back, then you may want to realize the OBVIOUS and take a look at your relationship with your customers. Your customers will come back if their expectations are met and/or exceeded. Perhaps it is time to find out what your customers want, and then give it to them. Ask them regularly how you are doing and when you get advice, listen to it and change your behavior.

-       YOUR MARRIAGE - If your marriage is filled with indifference, criticism and/or contempt, you may want to realize the OBVIOUS and start spending more time and initiative on mutually nourishing and supporting each other. Perhaps it is time to spend more time reinforcing each other and demonstrating the courtship behavior you did in the beginning. You married the courtship behavior; therefore it is insane to stop the very behavior you married.

REMEMBER THE MAGIC IS IN THE OBVIOUS...

AND THE OBVIOUS IS OFTEN COMMON SENSE.

And, COMMON SENSE IS VERY UNCOMMON.

So take ANOTHER look at the obvious, and you might be surprised at what has been there the whole time right in front of you.

The paradox is: the OBVIOUS is OBVIOUS to everyone else but us! Somehow, we too often ignore Common Sense because it is so hard to see when our emotions and behavior get in the way. It is so hard to see what is right in front of our face. Here are some examples of the obvious:

- If it is common sense to be fit by eating healthy and regularly exercising, why are 2/3 of all Americans so overweight?

- If it is common sense to know that regularly reinforcing and supporting others will result in improved performance in business, then why do so many supervisors only deliver criticism or silence when it comes to giving feedback?

- If it is common sense to treat others with respect, why are so many people rude, critical, contemptuous, and indifferent?

- If it is common sense to take responsibility for our conduct and decisions, why are so many people playing victim, feeling entitled, and blaming everyone else for their failures?

- If it is common sense for people to collaborate, compromise, share, and reach agreement in order to get along, why do so many people simply ignore the obvious, and instead fight and remain adversarial with each other?

- If it is common sense that great customer service will motivate customers to come back and remain loyal, why is it that customer service resembles anything but "service" most of the time?

- If it is common sense to provide empathy, caring, support, and warmth in helping people to recover from sickness, why is it that so many people in health care have flunked the "care" part of health care?                                              

- If it is common sense that we know to be successful in life, perhaps the two most important habits that we must practice to be effective are:   
Getting along well with people (relationship skills)
Managing money, (financial literacy)      
Then why is it that most people have so many failed relationships (at home and work) and are financially dysfunctional?

- If it is common sense to say "thank you" upon receiving a compliment, then why do most people discount and invalidate every compliments they receive?

- If it is common sense to treat your spouse with support, respect, regard, affection and love (the courtship behavior), they why is it that so many marital partners replace those habits with so much indifference, defensiveness, and contempt for each other?

Because... COMMON SENSE IS VERY UNCOMMON!

COMMON SENSE is... WHAT WE KNOW.
It is sensible, prudent, practical, logical, empirical, and reflects sound judgment.

What we know is INSIDE us: it is internally grounded, it reflects self-respect, trusting our judgment, and calm resolve. Common Sense is strategic, long-term, broad-based, functional, responsible, and often very moral.

IN OUR MOMENTS OF CLARITY, IT IS WHAT WE KNOW IN OUR GUT!

SO NOW... IMAGINE THAT YOU PUT YOUR COMMON SENSE IN YOUR DOMINANT HAND. Now imagine your common sense (what you know) is always available to you in your dominant hand... it is what you know and it is right there in front of you.

Clearly, some of our ongoing behavior reflects Common Sense... when we do behave that way, life is generally good, and we feel more strength, resolve, calm, and self-respect.

However, some of our behavior is void of common sense, and when we abandon the obvious, we are practicing INSANITY!

INSANITY IS TOO OFTEN... WHAT WE DO:

Doing the same thing over and over;                    
resulting in the same poor outcome;                      
with the illusion that if we keep doing it that way; 
we will achieve a different outcome.

Too often what we DO is a function of familiarity and habit. What we DO is subject to peer pressure; it is too often influenced by others outside us... it is shortsighted, short-term oriented, subject to the approval of others, dependent on fear and doubt, and reflects a reaction to our irrational emotions at the time.

INSANITY occurs when we need to snatch a rationalization from the jaws of logic at a moment's notice in order to justify our ill-conceived actions!

Take a look at these familiar remarks that reflect INSANITY:

"We've always done it that way... if only they would change, then everything would be fine... they are the problem. I give them the answers and tell them what to do, and all they do is pushback."

"Of course I nag my husband... he really dislikes it, but that is the only way I can get his attention! Besides I am not nagging, I am helping!"

"I would pay more attention to you if you would quit nagging at me!"

"I would quit nagging at you if you would pay more attention to me!"

"It seems clearly reasonable that when I am lonely, I can solve that problem by ordering 2 large pizzas, 4 beers, and an ice cream chaser."

"Yes, I have carried this grudge for a long time, but they started it and they have to apologize first."

"I hate my job, and I am sick of being so dependent on it, but I will never get another job like this, so I just put in the time and wait for it to be over."

"I haven't figured out what I want to do so I guess I will just do this in the meantime."

"I worry all the time and feel afraid a lot, and I have to do that so I can be prepared for any bad thing that might happen along the way."

"I am not bossy, it's just that I know more about what everyone else should be doing!"

"I have always been shy and a worrier, I can't help it... I don't like it either... but that's just the way I am!"

"Our business would be much more successful if it just wasn't for those damn customers!"

"Of course I am suspicious of others, because when you have had my experience, you will learn that all people are out to screw you!"

"There aren't any good men out there... and any good ones are already taken!"

"I can't find a job... there are none out there... I am too overqualified / old / fat / undereducated / and they discriminate against me, so what's the point of trying?"

"I always avoid dancing because I don't dance well and everyone will be looking at me and think I am a loser."

"If you can't do it right, don't do it at all."

"I am a perfectionist, and have high standards, and when it isn't right, I go nuts and it really bugs me!"

"This isn't a good time to deal with this. I know I have been avoiding this, but I will start to deal with this when I feel better and I'm ready."

"We are working in the best interests of the American people, and it's just those misguided people on the other side of the aisle who won't budge. They are the problem"

Remember that your Common Sense is in your dominant hand. And, put your Insanity in the other hand. You now have a very important choice to make. Will you practice Insanity or will you choose COMMON SENSE?

DECIDE TO CHOOSE COMMON SENSE AND DO WHAT YOU KNOW! Bring your insanity (the dark side) over to Common Sense. Do what you know!

When you think of doing what you already know... you will likely make better choices routinely. You will be more proactive, happy, self-respecting, and operating from strength. You already know common sense... it is simply now a conscious decision to choose to embrace the obvious and practice it.

SUMMARY

THE OBVIOUS... think about it. And think about how you live your life. The magic, the answers, the solutions, the prescriptions, and the deliverables are all in the OBVIOUS; it's all right in front of your face.
And the paradox is... the obvious is obvious to everyone but you.

WHY IS THAT? Because you are too close to it, your emotions are involved, and your emotions create filters and amplifiers which often prevent you from seeing what's right in front of your face.

AXIOM:

EMBRACE THE OBVIOUS
Recognize and embrace what's right in front of your face.
It's COMMON SENSE... And, Common Sense is very uncommon!

COMMON SENSE is WHAT YOU KNOW: sensible, prudent, obvious, logical, practical, empirical, and reflecting sound judgment. "Anyone would know that!"

It's common sense to put into practice what you know, and remember common sense is very uncommon.

INSANITY is too often WHAT YOU DO

Doing the same bad habit with the same poor results with the illusion that if you keep doing it that way, you will receive a different outcome.

The key is to connect WHAT YOU DO (your behavior) with WHAT YOU KNOW (Common Sense).

And Common Sense is very uncommon!


Today's Tickle

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.  Wisdom is not using it in a fruit salad. 
             
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
 
Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and may nothing but happiness come through your door.

Hello:

The more you "should" on yourself, the more you pushback on your own advice. 
      
Dr. Mitchell Perry


"SHOULDING on YOURSELF and OTHERS"

Have you ever noticed how often people will talk to us about a problem, and we begin to tell them what they "should" do about it? Even after hearing our sage advice, irrespective of how practical, logical, and sensible it might be, they dig in their heels and resist what you claim they "should" do.

We also do this to ourselves. Have you noticed yourself saying, "I should do this" or "I really should avoid doing that," and then you steadfastly resist whatever it is you're telling yourself to do? Have you ever noticed how miserable people feel whenever they compulsively keep doing whatever it is they think they "should" do, rather than what they want to do?  It seems there are so many things they should do, say, think, feel, quit, start, etc., that they seldom get around to enjoying anything.

If all of this sounds familiar, you are an unknowing participant in the "should bind."  What you may have failed to consider is that whenever you encounter a "should," you have immediately created an obstacle to any progress or success.  A "should" is a put-down, designed to point out how stupid the person is who receives it.

Suppose you have a friend who is overweight and out of shape.  For a long time, you have been watching your friend overeat without exercising.  You are now concerned about his physical condition because these eating habits are jeopardizing his good health and longevity.  So, you say, with admirable intentions:  "John, you should lose weight.  You should diet and exercise because you know your current weight is unhealthy for you."  Notice how your friend handles these remarks!  He appears affronted and upset and simply refuses to heed them regardless of their validity.  Why?  What you have really told him is that he is stupid - if he was smart, he would have already lost the weight!  The "should" was, in reality, a put-down that resulted in a typical resistant stance.

You "Should" on yourself too!  You may notice too that whenever you tell yourself you should diet and exercise, you are reluctant to do what you "should" do.  List all of your own "shoulds."  They may be overwhelmingly abundant and sound something like this: 
 
I should lose weight.  I should stop smoking.  I should exercise. I should spend more time with my kids.  I should finish my degree.  I should call my mother.  I should be more patient.  I should listen.  I shouldn't feel guilty.  I shouldn't worry. I shouldn't take things so personally.

Perhaps your list appears endless.  Notice whenever you should on yourself out loud, you begin to feel badly, defensive, resentful and resistant?  There is a complete absence of motivation.

Sometimes, as parents, we tell our children what they "should" and "shouldn't" do, feel and behave.  Though our intentions are honorable and we have the utmost concern for their welfare, we become confused when often our children meet our advice with resistance.  Why is that?  In actuality, we have put them down rather than helped them out.  For instance, suppose your daughter is too frightened to swim and you say:  You shouldn't feel afraid.  You have really told your child that her feelings are stupid and invalid.  She will still feel afraid but now she also feels inferior and stupid because her fear has been undermined. 

More closely examined, the "shoulds" are purely guilt producers.  The feeling generated by any "should" remark is initially guilt but this is quickly turned to resentment then resistance.  I have seldom known anyone who really liked being dealt "shoulds" on a regular basis.

An even more self-defeating "should" is placed in the past tense, namely, "I should have done this," or "You should have remembered..."  To constantly berate yourself over what you should or shouldn't have done is unbelievably destructive.  Why?  Because it is impossible to alter the past!  It has already happened and is past the point of change.  To continually beat yourself up about it is reactive and destructive.  Progress and improvement are impossible leaving room only for guilt and self-hate. 

What is a solution to "Shoulding" on yourself and others? 

I heartily encourage you delete all "shoulds" from your vocabulary and substitute them with "mights" and "wants."  Remember that the first thing people will do when they feel forced is resist.  The "shoulds" are a form of force.  People resist vehemently.  Removing the "shoulds" from your dialogue will provide less force, thereby resulting in less unnecessary resistance.  There are three ways to rephrase the overused "should" in your daily conversations.  Each has a different level of intensity.  They are:
     "You might... "
     "I urge / encourage / suggest / recommend you consider... "
     "I want you to... "   
Notice if you say to your overweight friend, "John, you might want to lose weight," "I would encourage you to consider losing weight," or "I want you to lose weight."  He will feel much less resistant to your suggestion and more motivated to start losing weight because essentially he still has the option to refuse your advice without losing face or feeling stupid.  You, of course, select one of the three options depending on your style, the closeness of the relationship, and the desired level of impact.

In addition, removing ourselves from the tyranny of the "shoulding" on ourselves by substituting the "wants" and "mights" is a beneficial change.  If you say to yourself, "I should lose weight," it is likely you will feel badly that you have yet to do it.  On the other hand, if you say, "I want to lose weight," it is more likely you will diet because your resistance is down, and your levels of guilt and bad feelings are diminished.

Remember, ultimately you are only going to do what you want to do.  You will be impressed with how much more you can get done with less resistance when you concentrate on changing those "shoulds" to "wants."  I encourage you to take your list of "shoulds" and change them to "wants."  Then read them aloud and notice how you feel different immediately!

In summary, the "shoulds" create resistance, when either self-imposed, or levied on others.  Wipe out all the "shoulds" and consider the "mights" when speaking with others, and use the "wants" when speaking to yourself.  You will be quite surprised with the positive results. 

I encourage you to take a look at my 3-minute video on "The Shoulds."  Click here: http://jmperry.com/videos.html then forward this to many in your network!





Today's Tickle

Let's face it... English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One blouse, 2 blice? First, second, third, fourth or oneth, twoth, threeth, fourth? One index, 2 indices? One kleenex, 2 kleenexes?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park in the driveway and drive in the parkway? 

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'

Hello All:  

Part of life means having to deal with miserable energy suckers.  Many of these people seem to be on a mission for you to enjoy their unhappiness.  Sometimes that price of admission is too high.  So what do you do?   
      
Dr. Mitchell Perry

DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE IN BUSINESS

 People can be difficult... and dealing effectively with people in business is crucial to your success.  When you learn how to identify people's behavior in business you are way ahead of the game, and your career (and sanity) will benefit enormously.  These skills and benefits can be of great value in the following circumstances:

• When applying for a new job

• Asking for a promotion

• Maintaining balance and equilibrium on the job

• Gaining a new account

• Succeeding in the merger or acquisition of your company

• Navigating through the political waters at work

• Doing the maintenance on a difficult colleague or customer

Let's begin by identifying some popular difficult personality types.

The Hostile - This type includes:
The Bully - the boss or coworker or business contact who takes pleasure in running over you or throwing you under the bus.
The Sniper - the person who says something nasty and pretends to be innocent.
The Exploder - Their favorite line is "Don't make me mad," so you are always on guard for an explosion.
The Negative/Critical Complainer - Everything is always wrong, bad, awful, and miserable.  They are professional whiners.
The Unresponsive - They are silent, non-communicative, unemotional, and distant.  It is impossible to tell what their position is on anything.
The Indecisive - Perpetually ambivalent, uncommitted; they are afraid of making mistakes, being wrong, and being exposed. 
The Judge/Calculator - "Let me analyze this," remaining critical, pejorative, everything is slightly flawed and imperfect.
The Passive/Aggressive - Appearing compliant while sabotaging, undermining, and criticizing all the time.
The Professional Victim - Self pity, wallowing in "Ain't it awful?"  "I'm so mistreated."  "You can't possibly understand what I've been through."  "It isn't fair!"

Sound familiar?  What do you do about these types when you have to work with them, answer to them, persuade them?  

Here are some effective strategies you can use:  (Remember that different types require different tools, and it is helpful if you can use many people tools in your tool box.)

1. Keep a smile going, remain strong, impervious to the manipulations (works well on the Negative Complainers).
2. Remove yourself (when possible) from the difficult person, its a frustration when they lack an audience (works on the Bully).
3. Validate their opinion before you counter with yours. They will be less difficult when they feel valued.
4. Listen first.  Listening is the best way to get your point across.  As Dr. Stephen Covey says in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, "seek first to understand, then be understood" (works on everyone, especially the Judge/Calculator). 
5. Replace "yeah but" in your dialog with "on the other hand."  This small change will calm down escalation of contests and conflicts.
6. Ask them to help you understand.  People are less likely to be difficult when asked for help (works on the Indecisive and Unresponsive).
7. Reinforce their value following a criticism.  People respond to what they heard last, therefore, they will be less defensive.
8. Engage in three or more options.  People will be less contestual when there are multiple options available. 
9. Replace "you should" with "you might" or "I encourage you to..."  People get very difficult when they hear the word "should." 
10. Expose the routine.  Announce your confusion with mixed messages from them (sometimes effective on Passive/Aggressive).

Above all, maintain your power and your sense of humor.  People can only wreck your day with your consent.  Though certainly difficult people often appear to want you to enjoy their misery with them, keep in mind you can always allow them to enjoy their private party by themselves.  Remember the movie, "War Games?"  At the end of the movie, the computer concluded "the only way to win, is not to play."  How true sometimes.   





Today's Tickle

Dear Abby Lacks Answers to the following questions:


Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.  One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties.  These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment.  Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years.  It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo.  Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world.  I've seen it.  Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years.  He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor.  Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust.  He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Remember, these people are alive and walking amongst us and brain damage appears to be contagious. 

What a prospect!  These people vote, but only if they can find the polling place!

Every morning you wake up, you wake up YOU.  Whenever you look in the mirror, there you are!  It is insane to dislike and disrespect that person in the mirror. 
      
Dr. Mitchell Perry


 1. Your character, your standards, and your self-respect are everything.

Do you ever notice that every morning you wake up YOU? Even if you are dreaming... you still wake up YOU. You are always there regardless of your fantasies about being someone else. 

I like to say, "Wherever you go, there you are, so there you go!" 

This means that every morning you look in the mirror, there you are. 

Therefore, you will always be attending that meeting with yourself... so it makes perfect common sense to enjoy and feel good about what you see in the mirror. 

It is insane to routinely dislike the person always attending that party - YOU.

So, your judgment, your approval, your self-respect, your self-concept is primary. Therefore to be hostage to the approval / disapproval of others over your own is profoundly counter-productive.


2. The degree to which you get respect from others is in direct proportion to your own self-respect. The more self-respect you have... the more respect you will get from others.

Remember that being respected has a much longer shelf-life than being popular.

Popular falls in and out of fashion. People are often fickle and your being hostage to the approval / disapproval of others only makes you perpetually adjust your standards and conduct in the interest of gaining that temporary favor.

Example: you get pressure from your peers to participate in doing drugs because "it is cool, everyone is doing it, and you want to avoid being called a wimp." So to get group approval you consent, do the drugs, and then later regret it big time.

Sometimes you have to do the "right" thing because your self-respect is at stake. When you do, you respect what you see in the mirror, and then "they" will likely respect you more.

Remember, "like" follows "respect" more than "respect" follows "like."
It is more likely that people will like you after they respect you than they will respect you after they like you. I would always much prefer to be respected than be popular. 


In your lifetime, you have known someone who always chose the "popular" option and as a result their self-respect always went on the back burner... so they earned very little, if any respect from others.


3. Going forward, consider using the "SELF-RESPECT BAROMETER©."

You know what a barometer measures: air pressure. And as you may know, boaters always check the barometer first before they venture out into the sea.  If the barometer indicates a "storm" coming, it might be a bad idea to go out in bad weather.

So consider this... you probably wear a watch... and you probably routinely look at your watch to check the time... that helps you make important decisions at particular points in the day.

Let's imagine that you NOW have an additional gauge on your watch... and this one is called your "SELF-RESPECT BAROMETER©"... and it measures your self-respect at any time.

So imagine you are going to make a decision about a relationship, an initiative, a purchase, a reaction, etc... and this decision has some emotion attached to it... which means this next decision might be impacted by that emotion.

Perhaps you might be dealing with impulse control issues around this decision and your emotions are impacting your impulses... SO, BEFORE YOU ACTUALLY MAKE THE DECISION, YOU SIMPLY CHECK YOUR WATCH AND LOOK AT YOUR "SELF-RESPECT BAROMETER©."

Now you ask yourself, "IF I MAKE THIS DECISION, DOES MY SELF-RESPECT GO UP OR DOWN?" 

And, if the answer is DOWN, then you can decide to make another decision instead. Imagine your self-respect is always the guiding light, the guidance counselor, the mentor, the internal locus of control.

WHEN YOU ROUTINELY USE THE "SELF-RESPECT BAROMETER©" TO GUIDE YOUR CONDUCT, YOU ARE LIKELY TO MAKE DIFFERENT DECISIONS, AND THEREFORE PUT YOUR SELF-RESPECT FIRST. 

Then you start trusting your judgment more.

Keep the "Self-Respect Barometer©" close by, and look at it often. You will notice that it will help you make important decisions, retain your strength of character, and self-respect.


Today's Tickle

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

When you ask for help from others, they will say yes;
When they give you help, you have more resources;
When they say yes, give you the help, and have more resources you are now more powerful!
 
So, it is insane to prevent the very thing that works best!
      
Dr. Mitchell Perry









ENGAGE THE POWER OF RELATIONSHIPS:  ASK FOR HELP!

Human beings need contact, closeness, and affiliation.  Connection is so important that solitary confinement is often used in prison as a means of punishment.  People are generally happier when they feel close, connected, loved, and appreciated.  

And, the most common psychological disorder in people is depression.  What is depression?  Depression sets in when the gap is too wide between how one thinks life should be vs. how it is.  And the biggest contributor to depression is loneliness, feeling rejected, alienated, disconnected, and separate from other people.

SO THE MESSAGE IS ALWAYS... GET CONNECTED!  

And here is a great way to make that connection!

Notice how often you can get more done with people helping.  And, notice how often you want to ask someone for help, but are reluctant either because you are afraid you may be turned down, or you will be perceived as weak.

Be reminded of the following axiom:

1. The first impulse most people have when OFFERED help is to say NO!
2. And, the news is... the first impulse most people have when asked for help is to say YES!

So, remember to engage the power of relationships by asking for help!  To do that, you must change the association you may have between asking for help and appearing weak.  Rather than associate WEAKNESS with the thought of asking for help, associate STRENGTH instead.  Besides, when you do get help, and the resources you need, are you now weaker or actually stronger?

People like to feel important and asking for help or advice is a great way of making someone feel valued.

So, start a new behavior pattern... associate strength with asking for help.  Then, start connecting with people and find strength in the power of the group  Engage the power of relationships and replace the "you or me" with "you and me."

Ask for help regularly!  




Today's Tickle

POLITICIANS ALWAYS REMAIN THE SAME IT SEEMS... WHISKEY

In 1952, Armon M. Sweat, Jr., a member of the Texas House of Representatives, was asked about his position on whiskey.  What follows is his exact answer (taken from the Political Archives of Texas). 

"If you mean whiskey, the devil's brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean that evil drink that topples Christian men and women from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness, and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fiber of my being.

However, if by whiskey you mean the lubricant of conversation, the philosophic juice, the elixir of life, the liquid that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning; if you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to forget life's great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean that drink the sale of which pours into Texas treasuries untold millions of dollars each year, that provides tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to
build the finest highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation, then my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favor of it. 

This is my position, and as always, I refuse to compromise on matters of principle. 

Gil McKinnie 

"IT'S FIVE O'CLOCK SOMEWHERE!"

If you routinely take things personally, you may often believe whatever just happened must be involving you somehow... so ask yourself a question, 'Am I that big a deal?  Is it really about me again?' 
      
Dr. Mitchell Perry


TAKING THINGS TOO PERSONALLY

"I take things too personally" is a remark I hear frequently from clients, colleagues, and friends.

If your spouse comes home crabby, do you feel responsible, guilty, irritated, and finally, crabby yourself?

If you fail to get an invitation to lunch, or to a party or wedding, do you take it personally and then doubt yourself and your popularity?

If someone else gets the contract, do you believe you have failed to deliver?

If your boss forgets to say good morning, do you automatically think that he/she is mad at you?

If your guests want to go home early, does that immediately suggest they dislike your company?

Frequently, we have our whole day ruined because someone else's behavior rubs off on us, and we feel responsible. We often find that whenever someone else is upset, we feel a great pressure that somehow we are to blame. As a result, we take their behavior personally, which makes us defensive, anxious, miserable and insecure.  We catastrophize, awfulize and become crisis junkies.  

It is important to gain some understanding as to the roots of this problem, and look at some possible reasons why we become hypersensitive and take things too personally. With this understanding, you'll gain some valuable perspectives on how to handle the problem.

1. Setting up a crisis to look for approval.

Most of us have a great need for approval and validation from others. We want to get strokes and reinforcement on a regular basis from just about everybody. Sometimes, we will deliberately set up situations in order to receive reinforcement. When we take things personally, we are invariably upset by feeling responsible for another person's mood or behavior. Often this creates a crisis whereby other people now have to reinforce us and give us the approval that we're okay.

2. Obtain insurance for belonging to others and against having to be alone.

Many of us have a great problem with the thought of being alone. Moreover, many of us have spent our entire lives without ever having been alone, so the prospect of being alone creates great panic and anxiety. We'll strive consciously and unconsciously to connect and belong with other people. Taking things too personally is a device to ensure "belonging" with others. When you feel responsible for another person's behavior, you get to belong to that person's situation and therefore can avoid feeling alone. You may find that if you have a great need to take care of other people and belong to them, you will also tend to take personally many of the moods and situations that they own. In this way, hypersensitivity becomes a device which allows us to avoid being alone and promotes the feeling that we have a place of great significance - we get to be responsible (for someone else's behavior!)

3. Obtain insurance against maturing, growing up, and being an adult.

When taking things very personally, many people exhibit childish and infantile behavior. Sometimes they pout, behave in a socially inappropriate way, become very silent and cold, or become dramatic and explosive. Much of the time, this kind of behavior is both childish and counterproductive to progress in relationships. In addition, when people take things too personally, they fail to distinguish themselves from the behavior of others; they are unable to differentiate between what is inside or outside of them. They tend to lose track of whose behavior is whose! This condition, referred to as over-generalizing, occurs when an individual thinks that he/she is always, in some way, connected to the behavior of others (much the way children think). By taking something too personally, you have ensured that you can behave childishly because you think you must have something to do with another person's mood or behavior. Consequently, the process of maturing, growing, and being adult is retarded.

4. We get to enhance our narcissism.

Narcissism is the tendency to be wrapped up in ourselves - thinking the world revolves around us. Most adolescents feel this way. They are obsessed with their clothes, activities, social groups, fads, language, and their impact on others. They delude themselves into thinking they are necessary and central to the progress of everything. Narcissism is the need to be significant and important to everyone about everything.

Taking things too personally enhances narcissism because if we think we must be responsible for external events, then we've just reinforced the delusional need to be important and significant to everything and everyone around us. Certainly the tendency to take things too personally is quite common and extremely counterproductive. Hypersensitive people are always ready to react to others around them and are rarely, if ever, in a proactive control position. In addition, the thinking focus is geared toward outcome rather than process. For these types learning is absent and is unfortunately replaced by observing, agonizing, and obsessing about themselves.

What can you do? When you observe distressing behavior in someone else and find you're taking it too personally, it will help to consistently consider the following three questions to recover faster:

1. "Am I responsible for what has just occurred?"
When a loved one, friend, or business associate is in a bad mood, seems irritable, pouty, depressed, impatient, defiant, etc., ask yourself the question "Am I really responsible for this person's behavior?" Often you will realize that you are seldom if ever responsible, and the other person has chosen to behave that way for a myriad of reasons unconnected to you. Further, if the person refuses to tell you what is wrong, avoid fretting over the problem and feeling anxious about it yourself. Just let the person be miserable and give him/her permission to explain whenever he/she is ready.

2. Is this my problem?
This question is critical. There are times when "yes" appears to be the only answer. Even when the other person's behavior has absolutely zero to do with you, it still appears to become your problem. However, it is important to remember that the problem only becomes yours when you choose to make it yours. It is much more likely, after some serious evaluation, you will conclude that the problem is in fact owned by someone else. So the answer to this question often typically will be a very reassuring "no".

3. Do I have to get upset?
Certainly you can get upset if you want. You can become anxious, worried, and lean toward crisis junkie catastrophizing, yet do you really have to? Is it a necessary obligation that you must be upset? Remind yourself that being upset is a choice, and that you can choose to remain calm and unaffected by the other person's behavior. Further, it is important to renounce the thinking that becoming upset is a way of showing you care about another person. There are other numerous and appropriate ways of showing high regard. Caring is typically unrelated to self-thrashing.

These three questions are immensely helpful in controlling the natural knee-jerk reflex of becoming hypersensitive and taking things too personally. Whenever you start to automatically feel responsible for situations happening around you and begin doubting your own adequacy, these questions can help control that temptation.

So again, remember to ask yourself:
1. Am I responsible for this person's actions?
2. Is this my problem?
3. Do I have to get upset?
When one or more of the answers is "no"; you will begin to notice rapid growth and recovery in yourself, and waste less time on unnecessary conflict, anxiety, or hypersensitivity.

In conclusion, ask yourself the following:
1. What am I noticing about my tendency to take things too personally?
2. What are my options?
3. What am I learning about these options?
4. What will I now do differently?
You will see rapid growth in yourself and spend far less time consumed with unnecessary conflict or anxiety.

Check out my three-minute video on this subject:
JMPerrywebsitevideos




Today's Tickle

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash in Alaska with bush pilot Wiley Post, was one of the greatest political country/cowboy sages . Some of his sayings:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.   

When you become hostage to fear and then deliberately choose to be dependent, you stay in an emotional prison that makes you miserable and weak.
      
Dr. Mitchell Perry

   
THE PRISON OF DEPENDENCY

The fascinating thing is how many people deliberately opt for a dependency existence either personally, professionally, emotionally, and/ or financially... then they spend their lives complaining and remaining hostage to the very condition for which they opted.

Some examples to consider:
Government Workers (the Public Sector) - They often tend to go down a path that is often predetermined.  They trade in their control over destiny for the illusion that job security is worth it. Then they are mostly rewarded by how LONG they have been working, rather than how WELL they are working.  Many often remain miserable people and expect a predictable pay grade, lifestyle, etc., all the while remaining malcontents simply because they choose to remain hostage to a situation that keeps them dependent.  Moreover, since it is often impossible to get fired in the public sector, their commitment to excellence is eroded, because of the group pressure to join the union of the mediocre.
Good-looking Women (sex objects) who seek out rich men (success objects) - Many of these women often go after men with money to gain the dependence on financial security (an illusion of safety), however, once they get the commitment they want from the man, many tend to change and treat the guy badly... they become critical, demanding, disapproving, and pejorative simply because they are dependent and are now "hostage" in their heads, to the man.  The very dependency they wanted is the very situation that now reminds them of their own weakness.  Therefore, they blame the guy, spend his money, and treat him badly.  (The more you give up responsibility for yourself, the more it makes you continually blame others for your condition that you chose.)  
Healthcare Workers, Shift Workers at the Company Plant, and Retail Service Representatives.           For example, thirty years ago, being a flight attendant was a glamorous job with great pay, perks and benefits.
Over the years things have clearly changed... working conditions, passenger behavior, grooming, standards of conduct, physical condition, and the entire traveling experience.  I think this job is the last thing many flight attendants thought they would be doing thirty years later.  Clearly many of them appear to often feel hostage to the job because of seniority, vesting, or they are clueless as to what else they would be doing.  This has made many of them bitter and filled with TDC (Thinly Disguised Contempt).  Therefore, it appears many often want the customers to enjoy their unhappiness.  Once again, the very dependency they opted for has made them hostage and therefore, weak, powerless, and unhappy.  
Divorce Agreements - It is clear that couples who are unable to reach agreement in divorce settlements are often very unhappy and complaining when the final disillusion decision is made by the courts.  The more the couple is dependent on the decisions of the judge, the more it creates anger and complaints.  On he other hand, couples who take responsibility together to arrive at acceptable divorce settlements tend to accept the results and move on with their lives with less complaining and going back to court.  

The Fabric of Society
As so many more people continue to adopt the ENTITLEMENT attitude where the "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR ME LATELY?" perspective becomes ubiquitous, I expect that more and more people will give up control over their lives to government, disability support, workers compensation fraud, dipping into the public treasury, unions, welfare, entitlements, etc., which simply continues to insure their unhappiness/misery as a consequence of wanting to be dependent.  As more people opt to be dependent, they want to be taken care of, and therefore, their initiative, self-respect, performance, and control over their lives evaporates.  Thus the omnipresent dependency addiction simply sucks the life out of society.  

Presently, according to a recent article, 48% of all families in the U.S. today are dipping into the public treasury somehow.  This means that approximately half of the population is opting to be dependent on the other half... all while complaining and whining.  And, certainly the half that is paying is getting really tired of enabling the dependent people to remain dependent and whining. 

It also appears curious that the half that is paying is called "greedy" while the receiving half is called "entitled."
   
So it seems that people with dependency addiction have three options:  

1. Continue as they are, expect to be dependent, play the victim, avoid responsibility for their lives, and keep complaining / whining. (Remember, when you choose the dependency, you choose the consequences.) 
2.  Continue the dependency behavior, except quit the complaining and whining.  Simply accept the security and keep quiet.
3. Decide to take more responsibility / control for their lives and future, act more independent, take more initiative, and be more proactive.  Spend less time describing the problem and more time solving it.

As Abraham Lincoln said, 

• You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.  

• You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.  

• You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.  

• You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down.  

• You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred.  

• You cannot build character and courage by taking away people's initiative and independence.  

• You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves.  

It is time for us as a large group of citizens to grow up, establish more backbone, take responsibility for ourselves, appreciate what we have, put a premium on self-respect and quit demanding to be taken care of.  

Further, if you choose to remain dependent, then quit complaining about the very condition for which you opted.  

Only when you take responsibility for your life, the cards that are dealt, your behavior, your decisions, and your future can you develop some real solid self-respect.  

And, self-respect is critical if you want to feel good about what you see in the mirror.  

IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT YOUR STRENGTH OF CHARACTER!

IT'S COMMON SENSE... And remember, Common Sense is very uncommon!


Today's Tickle

HILARIOUS DATING ADS FOR SENIORS
  
Dating Ads for Seniors found in a Florida Newspaper. You can say what you want about Florida, but you rarely hear of anyone retiring and moving north. These are actual ads seen in ''The Villages'' Florida newspaper.  (Who says seniors lack a sense of humor?)
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FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty. 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.  Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
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LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband.  Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting,shortness of breath not a problem.
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SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation.  If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
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WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.  
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BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
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MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
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My favorite...
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.