Maximizing Performance Through Applied Common Sense*

Hello Everyone,

Get your Merry on!

Dr. Mitchell Perry



 HO! HO! HO! JINGLE, JINGLE, JINGLE... OMG, IT'S KRIS KRINGLE!!!

It's time for sleigh bells, and Santa, and children demanding,
Chocolates, and gingerbread... our waistlines expanding.

Off criticize, off chastise, and offload your Grinch,
On spiritize, on cheeryize - find your smile... it's a cinch!

Your worry, your thrashing, your obsessing must leave,
With your family and friends, t'is the season to Believe.

As you imagine all day, your dreams warm and aglow,
Your lovee and you, smoochin' 'neath the mistletoe!

Fill the season with caroling, and be sure to be quick,
You know it's for certain, you'll be seen by St. Nick!

With Rudolph, and bubbly, and chestnuts together,
You can kick up your heels, and keep dancing forever!

As you think of the stockings, and tinsel, and bows, 
New clothes and shoes, from your head to your toes!

So start wrapping the presents, and hanging the holly,
Trimming the tree, and displaying your jolly!

Add the egg nog, the cakes, and the goodies gourmet,
You must join in the weight gain without further delay!

When your life is so touched, it's the way of the heart,
You sure have touched ours, right from the start!

On our sleigh ride together, measure for measure,
Instead of "not bad", it's indeed been OUR PLEASURE! 

From all of us at JM PERRY, with abiding affection we bequeath,
For YOU and your MERRY, enjoy a smile, a hug, and a holiday wreath!

May you and yours have a VERY MERRY PERRY HOLIDAY!

MERRY MERRY FROM JM PERRY! 

To get people to do what you want them to do, you must first position what you want in concert with what is important to them. 

Dr. Mitchell Perry


Communicating with Access Codes

Have you ever noticed that sometimes you meet someone and you get along with them easily?  Yet other times you meet someone and it seems to be uphill all the time.  You have to do lots of "maintenance" and getting along with them seems like a chore.  There are even times when you know someone for a long time and it is still always difficult to get along with them.  Why?  Because the people with whom you get along well are people who are wired like you, and the people with whom you have difficulty are wired differently.

Suppose you could understand more up front how people are wired and you could adjust your presentation and approach accordingly?  Getting along with people successfully is kind of like gaining "Access" to them.  When you understand their "Access Codes," you can then inter-relate easily.

There are 8 Access Codes to consider when you approach people.  

The codes are:

Going Towards / Going Away
Trust / Suspicion
Strategic / Tactical
Warm-up / Direct
Empower / Control
Others / Self
Feelings / Facts
Process / Results

When you understand these codes and know how to use them, you will gain "ACCESS" much faster and get what you want.


For You, Radio Worth Your Time!

            Laugh, Learn, Live!

 "THE DR. MITCHELL PERRY SHOW"

Applied Common Sense*
*Because common sense is very uncommon...

The Dr. Mitchell Perry Show: Applied Common Sense* Because common sense is very uncommon... airs Saturdays from 9:00 am - 11:00 am (Pacific) on KVTA AM1520.  It is a little bit reasoning, a little bit education, a lot of laughs, and a whole lot of fun!  Every Saturday morning Dr. Perry takes calls LIVE on his radio show on everything -- including relationships, business advice, personal growth, and the ever popular... "Common Sense is very Uncommon!"

He has a knack for saying it like it is without beating down his listeners.  You can be sure that if there is an answer to your problem, Dr. Perry will help you figure it out.  Listeners call in to get advice, discuss the day's events or simply to give their opinion on the latest topics.


The number to call the studio live is toll free
855- DR-PERRY (377-3779).


If you missed the latest radio show or you want to hear Dr. Perry tackle your favorite topic once again, click on http://drmitchellperryshow.blogspot.com/ to find PODCASTS of The Dr. Mitchell Perry Show past radio shows.  
 

 Today's Tickle
Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the greatest political sages this country has ever known.  Here is what he had to say ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First, eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second, the older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third, some people try to turn back their odometers.  Not me; I want people to know why I look this way.  I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth, when you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth, you know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth, I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh, one of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.
Eighth, one must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth, long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.  Today it's called golf.
And finally, if you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.  

When you help people come to conclusions you will let them have your way. Dr. Mitchell Perry

The Art of Ultimate Persuasion When you are in a conversation with someone who is speaking, do you find yourself just waiting for him or her to stop talking so you can start?  And, while you are waiting are you rehearsing your beautifully prepared gospel according to you? How often are you trying to force-feed others with your opinions?  Are you telling more than listening?  Does it seem often frustrating that people resist your advice and refuse to change? Remember what Dr. Stephen Covey said in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, seek first to understand, then be understood. The message here is that you are much more likely to get others to change when they conclude it makes sense to do so.  If you first understand them, they will be less resistant to your ideas and suggestions when you make them.  If you want others to change, you must ask first, and be prepared to listen. Ask first what is important to them, what's on their mind, how do they feel, what's going on, etc.   Then listen.  Understand, empathize, learn, and appreciate their position first.  It's remarkable how much more receptive others will be toward your position when they have been heard first and understood.  So the message here is this:  When you are interested in persuading others and the issues are important to you, FIRST ASK QUESTIONS AND LISTEN.  When you do this, people will be less resistant to change and more likely to adjust their position and follow your suggestions.

The Art of Ultimate Persuasion:  Engaging "THE PULL"          Letting Them Have Your Way   Remember, to get people to do what you want them to do, you must first position what is important to them.  People will engage, adjust, sign-up, and agree, when--in their terms--it makes sense to do so.  And it always makes more sense when they come to their own conclusions. "THE PULL" makes this happen. "THE PULL" method is very logical and understandable, and yet it is very counter-intuitive and disparate from what you are used to doing when you try to persuade anyone to do anything.  When you get fluent with "THE PULL,"  you will persuade sooner, resolve conflict faster, and realize much less "pushback."      Engaging The Pull CD:           $19.95 Engaging The Pull MP3:         $16.95

NOTICE!  Many of Dr. Perry's recordings are available on Amazon.

Dr. Perry on You Tube

The Magic is in the obvious... so, Embrace Common Sense! As we all know, common sense is very uncommon!  That is why we have  put together some video vignettes that are sensible, prudent, practical, logical, and reflecting sound judgement.  There are now 12 video vignettes on several subjects including: Responding to a Thank You The Yeah Buts The Success Formula Taking Things Too Personally Common Sense Shoulding on Others Reinforcement Multiple Options Thank You Notes Announcing Your Honesty  Scooping We've had great response so far, with over 3800 views!  There are many more to come, so please let us know what you think.  Log on to http://www.youtube.com/user/JMPerryLearning#p/u. If you want to DO WHAT YOU KNOW, you must equip yourself with the TOOLS to help you engage COMMON SENSE*         *and common senses is very uncommon.

For You, Radio Worth Your Time!              Laugh, Learn, Live!  "THE DR. MITCHELL PERRY SHOW" Applied Common Sense* *Because common sense is very uncommon...

Did you hear Patch Adams, MD on the show recently?  The real one?  If you missed it, click here http://drmitchellperryshow.blogspot.com/ to listen to Patch Adams as a guest on my radio show.    The Dr. Mitchell Perry Show: Applied Common Sense* Because common sense is very uncommon... airs Saturdays from 9:00 am - 11:00 am (Pacific) on KVTA AM1520.  It is a little bit reasoning, a little bit education, a lot of laughs, and a whole lot of fun!  Every Saturday morning Dr. Perry takes calls LIVE on his radio show on everything -- including relationships, business advice, personal growth, and the ever popular... "Common Sense is very Uncommon!" He has a knack for saying it like it is without beating down his listeners.  You can be sure that if there is an answer to your problem, Dr. Perry will help you figure it out.  Listeners call in to get advice, discuss the day's events or simply to give their opinion on the latest topics. The number to call the studio live is toll free  855- DR-PERRY (377-3779).  If you missed the latest radio show or you want to hear Dr. Perry tackle your favorite topic once again, click on http://drmitchellperryshow.blogspot.com/ to find PODCASTS of The Dr. Mitchell Perry Show past radio shows.

Today's Tickle

WATCH FOR THESE CONSOLIDATIONS IN 2013 Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Co. will merge and become:  Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:  Poly, Warner, Cracker. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:  MMMGood. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:  ZipAudiDoDa. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS and become:  FedUp. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:  Fairwell Honeychild.  Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:  PouponPants.

ARE YOU A PERFECTIONIST?  

Perhaps you have a need to line-up your food boxes according to size, or arrange your closet by color, fabric, and space between the hangers, or alphabetize your cans of soup?  Wait a minute... if you are now thinking, "That's a great idea!"  OMG... keep reading!

Do you obsess about your looks, house, or work?  Do you truly think that your standards of perfection help keep you striving? Do you ever notice you seem to be always anxious and/or cranky?  

It's time to re-evaluate your perfection obsession - let's add some common sense!  

Dr. Mitchell Perry


The Perfection Obsession:  A Set-Up for a Let Down

Many people have standards, values, and guiding principles by which they live.  For these individuals, standards and values are helpful guidelines for living; on the other hand, sometimes these standards become too rigid and strict.  In some cases, the standard expectations of excellence are so high that the individual becomes obsessed with having to be perfect.  This is called the "Perfection Obsession."

I have encountered countless people, both personally and professionally, who are obsessed with being perfect.  In moderation, striving for excellence is a terrific basic governing value.  Yet, many of us take "having to be perfect" to the extreme, and later develop psychological, physiological, and interpersonal disorders which often result in emotional prison.

I often find multi-dimensional origins to the perfection obsession.  When suffering from perfection obsession, people frequently cultivate an unshakable irrational belief system in addition to rigid behavior patterns.  Dr. Albert Ellis presents the perfection obsession as another one of his eleven irrational ideas that contributes strongly to mental illness and emotional disorders.  He describes this irrational obsession as "the idea that one must be thorough, competent and achieving in all possible respects, and if perchance this is not achieved, there is something terribly wrong."  As you can see, when we become firmly entrenched in this kind of thinking, we become anxious, irritated, depressed, or hostile if we're exposed as being imperfect.

Sometimes people who are afflicted with perfection obsession have grown up in a double-bind family environment.  A double-bind family environment is a "damned if you do/damned if you don't," or "Catch 22" situation.  For example, suppose a child is continually told the following two conflicting messages by his parents or other authority figures:
"You'll never amount to anything unless you achieve."
"Whatever you achieve will never be good enough."
If this sounds familiar, you have three options:

To keep achieving in hopes of reaching perfection some day, or
To become so miserable and defeated that it leads to severe depression.
Go crazy - (dip into the prozac).
Most people with the perfection obsession choose the first option.  The perfection obsession can manifest itself in a variety of ways.  Some of the behavior patterns are familiar -- those of a workaholic, a narcissist, a compulsive cleaner, a neat nick, over-achiever, and an ultimate authority on every subject.

Workaholics constantly work to the point of masochism.  Most are working to compensate for intense feelings of inadequacy; in this case, a fear of being less than perfect.  By committing their time and energy to work and by excluding other people, they feel safer - that is to say, it is less likely that other people will discover they are in fact imperfect.

Other people can become "perfect" narcissists - obsessed with their appearance, making sure they look perfectly neat, coifed, clean, groomed, pressed, smoothed, sprayed, made-up, tanned, physically shaped, and coordinated.  The risk here is that "perfect" people might avoid potentially fun or educational activities that would expose them as being imperfect.  As a result, the "perfect" person may seldom relax for fear of having an imperfect physical image.  This narcissistic condition has become greatly amplified in the past two decades.  An example is the movie "Perfect" which portrays a woman's obsession with exercise to create the flawless body.  Another example is the addiction with plastic surgery - as a result of a distorted view of your physical self, often referred to as body dysformia.

Many people are concerned about cleanliness and orderliness at home and work.  The neat-nick, however, is obsessed with cleanliness and orderliness. This person will spend hours cleaning every nook and cranny in the kitchen, will work for days making the office files letter perfect, or will devote the entire weekend to scrubbing the back porch and driveway.  The compulsive neat-nick's behavior ensures the maintenance of control.  The neat nick fears losing control because that would mean revealing personal imperfections.

Still other people can become obsessed with perfection in their thinking, dialogue, and knowledge.  Have you ever dealt with someone who has an opinion and an answer for everything?  These people like to be the ultimate authority.  They will oftentimes read voraciously and store vast amounts of knowledge and will likely get quite anxious if the answer fails to immediately come to mind or if memory fails for even a moment.  Professional people, in particular, can become obsessed with perfection in their chosen field.  The idea of saying "I don't know" is unthinkable.  Instead there is a recorded message playing internally that says, "unless I am a perfect, flawless professional, other people will lose respect for me."  An additional problem that arises from this erroneous thinking is that other people begin to expect perfection from professionals who promote infallibility.  This leads to a tough bind.  I wonder if there would be less medical malpractice litigation if some physicians were less obsessed with projecting perfection, and if the public could allow them to be fallible and human?

The difficult part of being obsessed with perfection is the continual anxiety about making mistakes and exposing humanness, fallibility and imperfection.  The obsessive person thinks, "if I make a mistake, I will lose respect," and "if I'm imperfect, I'm vulnerable and out of control."  Notice how often we tell ourselves those lines?  This belief system states that anything less than perfect would be received with disapproval in other people's eyes - an extension of the childhood double-bind scenario.

IN REALITY, THE CONTRARY IS TRUE.  We actually like people less for their perfections because perfection tends to scare and intimidate us.  If we encounter someone who appears perfect, we are immediately reminded of our own imperfections, which can make us feel uncomfortable and inadequate.  In addition, we find it difficult to identify with someone who is perfect.  We are able to relax only when we encounter someone who, while having high standards, also lets his or her imperfections and "human qualities" show through.  The more human a person is, the more we are able to feel comfortable and identify with this person.

Take a look at Oprah Winfrey, she is fabulously successful, loved and admired by millions of people -- and she has always been willing to expose her failings and soft underbelly.  Do you suppose she is so admired because she is willing to be imperfect?

The perfection obsession is oriented toward reactive thinking and is motivated by the potential consequences of failing to do something.  "Perfect" people are unable to relax because they are always making an effort to be perfect - reacting to the fear of the potential consequence of appearing imperfect, flawed, and out of control.  This constant reactive obsession results in anxiety, dogmatism, and lowered creative potential and performance.  If we are unable to relax, we are denying ourselves the opportunity to grow; therefore, learning and progress are halted.

What can you do?

Ask yourself this question:  "What is the worst that can happen if I am less than perfect?"  Really consider this question because chances are, the answer is hardly fatal.
Practice saying, "I don't know" when in fact you find yourself without an answer.  People will be quite accepting of your limitations.
Consider leaving the house (or a small portion of it) messy for one day.  It is interesting to see that your house, friends, and you too, will survive, and as a result, the obsession decreases.
List all of your standards on paper and consider the standards that are unreasonable.  Then, rewrite and adjust them to more reasonable standards.  The anxiety automatically diminishes.
Now ask yourself:

What am I noticing about myself and my perfection obsession?
What are my options to alter these behaviors?
What am I learning about these options?
What will I now do differently?

Do you ever notice how some people seem to be on a mission to drive you crazy?  They clearly appear to want you to enjoy their unhappiness -- they suck energy and your joy.  


What do you do?  

Dr. Mitchell Perry




Dealing with Difficult People in Business

People can be difficult... and dealing effectively with people in business is crucial to your success. When you learn how to identify people's behavior in business you are way ahead of the game, and your career (and sanity) will benefit enormously. These benefits can be of great value in the following circumstances:



1.   When applying for a job

2.   Asking for a promotion

3.   Maintaining balance and equilibrium on the job

4.   Gaining a new account

5.   Succeeding in the merger or acquisition of your company

6.   Navigating through the political waters at work


Let's begin by identifying some popular difficult personality types.

     1.  The Hostile - This type includes:

• The Bully - the boss or coworker or business contact who takes pleasure in running over you
• The Sniper - the person who says something nasty and pretends to be innocent
• The Exploder - Their favorite line is "Don't make me mad," so you are always on guard for an explosion.

     3. The Unresponsive - They are silent, non-communicative, unemotional, and distant. It is impossible to tell what their position is on anything.

     4. The Indecisive - Perpetually ambivalent, uncommitted; they are afraid of making mistakes, being wrong, and being exposed.

     5. The Judge/Calculator - "Let me analyze this," remaining critical, pejorative, everything is slightly flawed and imperfect.

     6. The Passive/Aggressive - Appearing compliant while sabotaging, undermining, and criticizing all the time.

 Sound familiar? What do you do about these types when you have to work with them, answer to them, persuade them?

Here are some effective strategies that you can use: (Remember that different types require different tools, and it is helpful if you can use many people tools in your tool box).

1.  Keep a smile going, remain strong, impervious to the manipulations (works well on the Negative Complainers).

2.   Remove yourself (when possible) from the difficult person (it's a frustration when they are without an audience) (works on the Bully).

3. Validate their opinion before you counter with yours. They will be less difficult when they feel valued.

4. Listen first. Listening is the best way to get your point across. As Dr. Stephen Covey says in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, seek first to understand, then be understood (works on everyone, especially the Judge/Calculator).

5. Replace "Yeah But" in your dialog with "On the other hand." This small change will calm down escalation of contests and conflicts.

6. Ask them to help you understand. People are less likely to be difficult   when asked for help (works on the Indecisive and Unresponsive).

7.  Reinforce their value following a criticism. People respond to what they heard last, therefore they will be less defensive.

8.  Engage in three or more options. People will be less contestual when there are multiple options available.

9.  Replace "you should" with "you might," or "I encourage you to." People get very difficult when they hear the word "should".

10.  Expose the routine. Announce your confusion with mixed messages from them (sometimes effective on Passive/Aggressive).

Above all, maintain your power and your sense of humor. People can only wreck your day with your consent. Though certainly difficult people often appear to want you to enjoy their misery with them, keep in mind you can always allow them to enjoy their private party by themselves. Remember the movie, "War Games?" At the end of the movie, the computer concluded "The only way to win, is not to play."   How true sometimes.

Are you an emotional eater medicating with food?  That's insane - would you take a laxative for a skin disorder?  No... so why would you eat a gallon of ice cream because you are lonely?  


It's time to pull yourself together!

Dr. Mitchell Perry  



THE PERRY PLAN
"Winning the Losing Game"

Something is clearly missing!  The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention ("CDC") says that a third of the country is currently obese.  Obesity is overtaking smoking as the biggest threat to our health and the numbers continue to rise every year!

Obesity raises the risk of heart disease, some cancers, diabetes, high blood pressure, and arthritis.  The CDC has concluded that obesity causes about 25,814 deaths annually in the United States.  Moreover, the financial costs to healthcare are staggering!

The price you pay for being overweight is huge!

Your self esteem
Your relationships
Your wallet
Your health
Your productivity
Your quality of life

The "Perry Plan" places the onus for losing weight back where it belongs -- with the participant -- rather than on quick fix diets du jour.  Instead of concentrating on what goes in your mouth, concentrate on what is between your ears!

So, how do you sabotage your own commitments to lose weight?  

Loss of control
Emotional or situational upset
You discount any improvements
Your defeatist attitude prevails
Lack of accountability either internal or external
Small setbacks trigger feelings of total failure
Learned helplessness and chronic powerlessness
Unable to stick with your commitments
Therefore, you give up and feel pessimistic!

The Solution:  THE PERRY PLAN.  It will give you the tools to insure your power to stick with your commitments to change your life for good:   


LOCOMOTION:  The power to move and keep moving.

OBSERVATION:  The skill to eat only when you are hungry.

The awareness of why you are eating.

MOTIVATION:  Inclusion - The OPTIMISM skill for POWER  to stick with your commitments.

RECOVERY FROM SETBACKS:  The power to get back in the saddle when you sabotage yourself.


At last, a proven program that will teach you to reprogram your state of mind to one of OPTIMISM and POWER.  When you are powerful you will stick with your commitments, lose weight, keep it off, and change your life for good.  


 

Hello:

People are shoulding on themselves and each other all the time!  The ongoing result is pushback and misery.

Dr. Mitchell Perry


"Shoulding on Yourself and Others"

Have you ever noticed how often people will talk to us about a problem, and we begin to tell them what they "should" do about it? Even after hearing our sage advice, irrespective of how practical, logical, and sensible it might be, they dig in their heels and resist what you claim they "should" do.

We also do this to ourselves. Have you noticed yourself saying, "I should do this" or "I really should avoid doing that," and then you steadfastly resist whatever it is you're telling yourself to do? Have you ever noticed how miserable people feel whenever they compulsively keep doing whatever it is they think they should do, rather than what they want to do?  It seems there are so many things they should do, say, think, feel, quit, start, etc., that they seldom get around to enjoying anything.

If all of this sounds familiar, you are an unknowing participant in the "should bind."  What you may have failed to consider is that whenever you deal with a "should," you have immediately created an obstacle to any progress or success.  A "should" is a put-down, designed to point out how stupid the person is who receives it.

Suppose you have a friend who is overweight and out of shape.  For a long time, you have been watching your friend overeat without exercising.  You are now concerned about his physical condition because these eating habits are jeopardizing his good health and longevity.  So, you say, with admirable intentions:  "John, you should lose weight.  You should diet and exercise because you know your current weight is unhealthy for you."  Notice how your friend handles these remarks!  He appears affronted and upset and simply refuses to heed them regardless of their validity.  Why?  What you have really told him is that he is stupid - if he was smart, he would have already lost the weight!  The "should" was, in reality, a put-down that resulted in a typical resistant stance.

You "Should" on yourself too!  You may notice too that whenever you tell yourself you should diet and exercise, you are reluctant to do what you "should" do.  List all of your own "shoulds."  They may be overwhelmingly abundant and sound something like this:
 
I should lose weight.  I should stop smoking.  I should exercise. I should spend more time with my kids.  I should finish my degree.  I should call my mother.  I should be more patient.  I should listen.  I shouldn't feel guilty.  I shouldn't worry. I shouldn't take things so personally.

Perhaps your list appears endless.  Notice whenever you should on yourself out loud, you begin to feel badly, defensive, resentful and resistant?  There is a complete absence of motivation.

Sometimes, as parents, we tell our children what they "should" and "shouldn't" do, feel and behave.  Though our intentions are honorable and we have the utmost concern for their welfare, we become confused when often our children meet our advice with resistance.  Why is that?  In actuality, we have put them down rather than helped them out.  For instance, suppose your daughter is too frightened to swim and you say:  You shouldn't feel afraid.  You have really told your child that her feelings are stupid and invalid.  She will still feel afraid but now she also feels inferior and stupid because her fear has been undermined.

More closely examined, the "shoulds" are purely guilt producers.  The feeling generated by any "should" remark is initially guilt but this is quickly turned to resentment then resistance.  I have seldom known anyone who really liked being dealt "shoulds" on a regular basis.

An even more self-defeating "should" is placed in the past tense, namely, "I should have done this, or You should have remembered..."  To constantly berate yourself over what you should or shouldn't have done is unbelievably destructive.  Why?  Because it is impossible to alter the past!  It has already happened and is past the point of change.  To continually beat yourself about it is reactive and destructive.  Progress and improvement are impossible leaving room only for guilt and self-hate.

What is a solution to "Shoulding" on yourself and others?  

I heartily encourage you delete all "shoulds" from your vocabulary and substitute them with "mights" and "wants."  Remember that the first thing people will do when they feel forced is resist.  The "shoulds" are a form of force.  People resist vehemently.  Removing the "shoulds" from your dialogue will provide less force, thereby resulting in less unnecessary resistance.  There are three ways to rephrase the overused "should" in your daily conversations.  Each has a different level of intensity.  They are:

      "You might... "
      "I urge / encourage / suggest / recommend you consider... "
      "I want you to... "  

Notice if you say to your overweight friend, "John, you might want to lose weight," "I would encourage you to consider losing weight," or "I want you to lose weight."  He will feel much less resistant to your suggestion and more motivated to start losing weight because essentially he still has the option to refuse your advice without losing face or feeling stupid.  You, of course, select one of the three options depending on your style, the closeness of the relationship, and the desired level of impact.

Removing ourselves from the tyranny of the "shoulding" on ourselves by substituting the "wants" and "mights" is a beneficial change.  If you say to yourself, "I should lose weight," it is likely you will feel badly that you have yet to do it.  On the other hand, if you say, "I want to lose weight," it is more likely you will diet because your resistance is down, and your levels of guilt and bad feelings are diminished.

Remember, ultimately you are only going to do what you want to do.  You will be impressed with how much more you can get done with less resistance when you concentrate on changing those "shoulds" to "wants."  I encourage you to take your list of "shoulds" and change them to "wants."  Then read them aloud and notice how you feel different immediately!

In summary, the "shoulds" create resistance, when either self-imposed, or levied on others.  Wipe out all the "shoulds" and consider the "mights" when speaking with others, and use the "wants" when speaking to yourself.  You will be quite surprised with the positive results.