Wednesday, September 5, 2012
ARE YOU A PERFECTIONIST?
Perhaps you have a need to line-up your food boxes according to size, or arrange your closet by color, fabric, and space between the hangers, or alphabetize your cans of soup? Wait a minute... if you are now thinking, "That's a great idea!" OMG... keep reading!
Do you obsess about your looks, house, or work? Do you truly think that your standards of perfection help keep you striving? Do you ever notice you seem to be always anxious and/or cranky?
It's time to re-evaluate your perfection obsession - let's add some common sense!
Dr. Mitchell Perry
The Perfection Obsession: A Set-Up for a Let Down
Many people have standards, values, and guiding principles by which they live. For these individuals, standards and values are helpful guidelines for living; on the other hand, sometimes these standards become too rigid and strict. In some cases, the standard expectations of excellence are so high that the individual becomes obsessed with having to be perfect. This is called the "Perfection Obsession."
I have encountered countless people, both personally and professionally, who are obsessed with being perfect. In moderation, striving for excellence is a terrific basic governing value. Yet, many of us take "having to be perfect" to the extreme, and later develop psychological, physiological, and interpersonal disorders which often result in emotional prison.
I often find multi-dimensional origins to the perfection obsession. When suffering from perfection obsession, people frequently cultivate an unshakable irrational belief system in addition to rigid behavior patterns. Dr. Albert Ellis presents the perfection obsession as another one of his eleven irrational ideas that contributes strongly to mental illness and emotional disorders. He describes this irrational obsession as "the idea that one must be thorough, competent and achieving in all possible respects, and if perchance this is not achieved, there is something terribly wrong." As you can see, when we become firmly entrenched in this kind of thinking, we become anxious, irritated, depressed, or hostile if we're exposed as being imperfect.
Sometimes people who are afflicted with perfection obsession have grown up in a double-bind family environment. A double-bind family environment is a "damned if you do/damned if you don't," or "Catch 22" situation. For example, suppose a child is continually told the following two conflicting messages by his parents or other authority figures:
"You'll never amount to anything unless you achieve."
"Whatever you achieve will never be good enough."
If this sounds familiar, you have three options:
To keep achieving in hopes of reaching perfection some day, or
To become so miserable and defeated that it leads to severe depression.
Go crazy - (dip into the prozac).
Most people with the perfection obsession choose the first option. The perfection obsession can manifest itself in a variety of ways. Some of the behavior patterns are familiar -- those of a workaholic, a narcissist, a compulsive cleaner, a neat nick, over-achiever, and an ultimate authority on every subject.
Workaholics constantly work to the point of masochism. Most are working to compensate for intense feelings of inadequacy; in this case, a fear of being less than perfect. By committing their time and energy to work and by excluding other people, they feel safer - that is to say, it is less likely that other people will discover they are in fact imperfect.
Other people can become "perfect" narcissists - obsessed with their appearance, making sure they look perfectly neat, coifed, clean, groomed, pressed, smoothed, sprayed, made-up, tanned, physically shaped, and coordinated. The risk here is that "perfect" people might avoid potentially fun or educational activities that would expose them as being imperfect. As a result, the "perfect" person may seldom relax for fear of having an imperfect physical image. This narcissistic condition has become greatly amplified in the past two decades. An example is the movie "Perfect" which portrays a woman's obsession with exercise to create the flawless body. Another example is the addiction with plastic surgery - as a result of a distorted view of your physical self, often referred to as body dysformia.
Many people are concerned about cleanliness and orderliness at home and work. The neat-nick, however, is obsessed with cleanliness and orderliness. This person will spend hours cleaning every nook and cranny in the kitchen, will work for days making the office files letter perfect, or will devote the entire weekend to scrubbing the back porch and driveway. The compulsive neat-nick's behavior ensures the maintenance of control. The neat nick fears losing control because that would mean revealing personal imperfections.
Still other people can become obsessed with perfection in their thinking, dialogue, and knowledge. Have you ever dealt with someone who has an opinion and an answer for everything? These people like to be the ultimate authority. They will oftentimes read voraciously and store vast amounts of knowledge and will likely get quite anxious if the answer fails to immediately come to mind or if memory fails for even a moment. Professional people, in particular, can become obsessed with perfection in their chosen field. The idea of saying "I don't know" is unthinkable. Instead there is a recorded message playing internally that says, "unless I am a perfect, flawless professional, other people will lose respect for me." An additional problem that arises from this erroneous thinking is that other people begin to expect perfection from professionals who promote infallibility. This leads to a tough bind. I wonder if there would be less medical malpractice litigation if some physicians were less obsessed with projecting perfection, and if the public could allow them to be fallible and human?
The difficult part of being obsessed with perfection is the continual anxiety about making mistakes and exposing humanness, fallibility and imperfection. The obsessive person thinks, "if I make a mistake, I will lose respect," and "if I'm imperfect, I'm vulnerable and out of control." Notice how often we tell ourselves those lines? This belief system states that anything less than perfect would be received with disapproval in other people's eyes - an extension of the childhood double-bind scenario.
IN REALITY, THE CONTRARY IS TRUE. We actually like people less for their perfections because perfection tends to scare and intimidate us. If we encounter someone who appears perfect, we are immediately reminded of our own imperfections, which can make us feel uncomfortable and inadequate. In addition, we find it difficult to identify with someone who is perfect. We are able to relax only when we encounter someone who, while having high standards, also lets his or her imperfections and "human qualities" show through. The more human a person is, the more we are able to feel comfortable and identify with this person.
Take a look at Oprah Winfrey, she is fabulously successful, loved and admired by millions of people -- and she has always been willing to expose her failings and soft underbelly. Do you suppose she is so admired because she is willing to be imperfect?
The perfection obsession is oriented toward reactive thinking and is motivated by the potential consequences of failing to do something. "Perfect" people are unable to relax because they are always making an effort to be perfect - reacting to the fear of the potential consequence of appearing imperfect, flawed, and out of control. This constant reactive obsession results in anxiety, dogmatism, and lowered creative potential and performance. If we are unable to relax, we are denying ourselves the opportunity to grow; therefore, learning and progress are halted.
What can you do?
Ask yourself this question: "What is the worst that can happen if I am less than perfect?" Really consider this question because chances are, the answer is hardly fatal.
Practice saying, "I don't know" when in fact you find yourself without an answer. People will be quite accepting of your limitations.
Consider leaving the house (or a small portion of it) messy for one day. It is interesting to see that your house, friends, and you too, will survive, and as a result, the obsession decreases.
List all of your standards on paper and consider the standards that are unreasonable. Then, rewrite and adjust them to more reasonable standards. The anxiety automatically diminishes.
Now ask yourself:
What am I noticing about myself and my perfection obsession?
What are my options to alter these behaviors?
What am I learning about these options?
What will I now do differently?
ARE YOU A PERFECTIONIST?
Perhaps you have a need to line-up your food boxes according to size, or arrange your closet by color, fabric, and space between the hangers, or alphabetize your cans of soup? Wait a minute... if you are now thinking, "That's a great idea!" OMG... keep reading!
Do you obsess about your looks, house, or work? Do you truly think that your standards of perfection help keep you striving? Do you ever notice you seem to be always anxious and/or cranky?
It's time to re-evaluate your perfection obsession - let's add some common sense!
Dr. Mitchell Perry
The Perfection Obsession: A Set-Up for a Let Down
Many people have standards, values, and guiding principles by which they live. For these individuals, standards and values are helpful guidelines for living; on the other hand, sometimes these standards become too rigid and strict. In some cases, the standard expectations of excellence are so high that the individual becomes obsessed with having to be perfect. This is called the "Perfection Obsession."
I have encountered countless people, both personally and professionally, who are obsessed with being perfect. In moderation, striving for excellence is a terrific basic governing value. Yet, many of us take "having to be perfect" to the extreme, and later develop psychological, physiological, and interpersonal disorders which often result in emotional prison.
I often find multi-dimensional origins to the perfection obsession. When suffering from perfection obsession, people frequently cultivate an unshakable irrational belief system in addition to rigid behavior patterns. Dr. Albert Ellis presents the perfection obsession as another one of his eleven irrational ideas that contributes strongly to mental illness and emotional disorders. He describes this irrational obsession as "the idea that one must be thorough, competent and achieving in all possible respects, and if perchance this is not achieved, there is something terribly wrong." As you can see, when we become firmly entrenched in this kind of thinking, we become anxious, irritated, depressed, or hostile if we're exposed as being imperfect.
Sometimes people who are afflicted with perfection obsession have grown up in a double-bind family environment. A double-bind family environment is a "damned if you do/damned if you don't," or "Catch 22" situation. For example, suppose a child is continually told the following two conflicting messages by his parents or other authority figures:
"You'll never amount to anything unless you achieve."
"Whatever you achieve will never be good enough."
If this sounds familiar, you have three options:
To keep achieving in hopes of reaching perfection some day, or
To become so miserable and defeated that it leads to severe depression.
Go crazy - (dip into the prozac).
Most people with the perfection obsession choose the first option. The perfection obsession can manifest itself in a variety of ways. Some of the behavior patterns are familiar -- those of a workaholic, a narcissist, a compulsive cleaner, a neat nick, over-achiever, and an ultimate authority on every subject.
Workaholics constantly work to the point of masochism. Most are working to compensate for intense feelings of inadequacy; in this case, a fear of being less than perfect. By committing their time and energy to work and by excluding other people, they feel safer - that is to say, it is less likely that other people will discover they are in fact imperfect.
Other people can become "perfect" narcissists - obsessed with their appearance, making sure they look perfectly neat, coifed, clean, groomed, pressed, smoothed, sprayed, made-up, tanned, physically shaped, and coordinated. The risk here is that "perfect" people might avoid potentially fun or educational activities that would expose them as being imperfect. As a result, the "perfect" person may seldom relax for fear of having an imperfect physical image. This narcissistic condition has become greatly amplified in the past two decades. An example is the movie "Perfect" which portrays a woman's obsession with exercise to create the flawless body. Another example is the addiction with plastic surgery - as a result of a distorted view of your physical self, often referred to as body dysformia.
Many people are concerned about cleanliness and orderliness at home and work. The neat-nick, however, is obsessed with cleanliness and orderliness. This person will spend hours cleaning every nook and cranny in the kitchen, will work for days making the office files letter perfect, or will devote the entire weekend to scrubbing the back porch and driveway. The compulsive neat-nick's behavior ensures the maintenance of control. The neat nick fears losing control because that would mean revealing personal imperfections.
Still other people can become obsessed with perfection in their thinking, dialogue, and knowledge. Have you ever dealt with someone who has an opinion and an answer for everything? These people like to be the ultimate authority. They will oftentimes read voraciously and store vast amounts of knowledge and will likely get quite anxious if the answer fails to immediately come to mind or if memory fails for even a moment. Professional people, in particular, can become obsessed with perfection in their chosen field. The idea of saying "I don't know" is unthinkable. Instead there is a recorded message playing internally that says, "unless I am a perfect, flawless professional, other people will lose respect for me." An additional problem that arises from this erroneous thinking is that other people begin to expect perfection from professionals who promote infallibility. This leads to a tough bind. I wonder if there would be less medical malpractice litigation if some physicians were less obsessed with projecting perfection, and if the public could allow them to be fallible and human?
The difficult part of being obsessed with perfection is the continual anxiety about making mistakes and exposing humanness, fallibility and imperfection. The obsessive person thinks, "if I make a mistake, I will lose respect," and "if I'm imperfect, I'm vulnerable and out of control." Notice how often we tell ourselves those lines? This belief system states that anything less than perfect would be received with disapproval in other people's eyes - an extension of the childhood double-bind scenario.
IN REALITY, THE CONTRARY IS TRUE. We actually like people less for their perfections because perfection tends to scare and intimidate us. If we encounter someone who appears perfect, we are immediately reminded of our own imperfections, which can make us feel uncomfortable and inadequate. In addition, we find it difficult to identify with someone who is perfect. We are able to relax only when we encounter someone who, while having high standards, also lets his or her imperfections and "human qualities" show through. The more human a person is, the more we are able to feel comfortable and identify with this person.
Take a look at Oprah Winfrey, she is fabulously successful, loved and admired by millions of people -- and she has always been willing to expose her failings and soft underbelly. Do you suppose she is so admired because she is willing to be imperfect?
The perfection obsession is oriented toward reactive thinking and is motivated by the potential consequences of failing to do something. "Perfect" people are unable to relax because they are always making an effort to be perfect - reacting to the fear of the potential consequence of appearing imperfect, flawed, and out of control. This constant reactive obsession results in anxiety, dogmatism, and lowered creative potential and performance. If we are unable to relax, we are denying ourselves the opportunity to grow; therefore, learning and progress are halted.
What can you do?
Ask yourself this question: "What is the worst that can happen if I am less than perfect?" Really consider this question because chances are, the answer is hardly fatal.
Practice saying, "I don't know" when in fact you find yourself without an answer. People will be quite accepting of your limitations.
Consider leaving the house (or a small portion of it) messy for one day. It is interesting to see that your house, friends, and you too, will survive, and as a result, the obsession decreases.
List all of your standards on paper and consider the standards that are unreasonable. Then, rewrite and adjust them to more reasonable standards. The anxiety automatically diminishes.
Now ask yourself:
What am I noticing about myself and my perfection obsession?
What are my options to alter these behaviors?
What am I learning about these options?
What will I now do differently?
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Do you ever notice how some people seem to be on a mission to drive you crazy? They clearly appear to want you to enjoy their unhappiness -- they suck energy and your joy.
What do you do?
Dr. Mitchell Perry
Dealing with Difficult People in Business
People can be difficult... and dealing effectively with people in business is crucial to your success. When you learn how to identify people's behavior in business you are way ahead of the game, and your career (and sanity) will benefit enormously. These benefits can be of great value in the following circumstances:
1. When applying for a job
2. Asking for a promotion
3. Maintaining balance and equilibrium on the job
4. Gaining a new account
5. Succeeding in the merger or acquisition of your company
6. Navigating through the political waters at work
Let's begin by identifying some popular difficult personality types.
1. The Hostile - This type includes:
3. The Unresponsive - They are silent, non-communicative, unemotional, and distant. It is impossible to tell what their position is on anything.
4. The Indecisive - Perpetually ambivalent, uncommitted; they are afraid of making mistakes, being wrong, and being exposed.
5. The Judge/Calculator - "Let me analyze this," remaining critical, pejorative, everything is slightly flawed and imperfect.
6. The Passive/Aggressive - Appearing compliant while sabotaging, undermining, and criticizing all the time.
Sound familiar? What do you do about these types when you have to work with them, answer to them, persuade them?
Here are some effective strategies that you can use: (Remember that different types require different tools, and it is helpful if you can use many people tools in your tool box).
1. Keep a smile going, remain strong, impervious to the manipulations (works well on the Negative Complainers).
2. Remove yourself (when possible) from the difficult person (it's a frustration when they are without an audience) (works on the Bully).
3. Validate their opinion before you counter with yours. They will be less difficult when they feel valued.
4. Listen first. Listening is the best way to get your point across. As Dr. Stephen Covey says in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, seek first to understand, then be understood (works on everyone, especially the Judge/Calculator).
5. Replace "Yeah But" in your dialog with "On the other hand." This small change will calm down escalation of contests and conflicts.
6. Ask them to help you understand. People are less likely to be difficult when asked for help (works on the Indecisive and Unresponsive).
7. Reinforce their value following a criticism. People respond to what they heard last, therefore they will be less defensive.
8. Engage in three or more options. People will be less contestual when there are multiple options available.
9. Replace "you should" with "you might," or "I encourage you to." People get very difficult when they hear the word "should".
10. Expose the routine. Announce your confusion with mixed messages from them (sometimes effective on Passive/Aggressive).
Above all, maintain your power and your sense of humor. People can only wreck your day with your consent. Though certainly difficult people often appear to want you to enjoy their misery with them, keep in mind you can always allow them to enjoy their private party by themselves. Remember the movie, "War Games?" At the end of the movie, the computer concluded "The only way to win, is not to play." How true sometimes.
Do you ever notice how some people seem to be on a mission to drive you crazy? They clearly appear to want you to enjoy their unhappiness -- they suck energy and your joy.
What do you do?
Dr. Mitchell Perry
Dealing with Difficult People in Business
People can be difficult... and dealing effectively with people in business is crucial to your success. When you learn how to identify people's behavior in business you are way ahead of the game, and your career (and sanity) will benefit enormously. These benefits can be of great value in the following circumstances:
1. When applying for a job
2. Asking for a promotion
3. Maintaining balance and equilibrium on the job
4. Gaining a new account
5. Succeeding in the merger or acquisition of your company
6. Navigating through the political waters at work
Let's begin by identifying some popular difficult personality types.
1. The Hostile - This type includes:
- The Bully - the boss or coworker or business contact who takes pleasure in running over you
- The Sniper - the person who says something nasty and pretends to be innocent
- The Exploder - Their favorite line is "Don't make me mad," so you are always on guard for an explosion.
2. The Negative/Critical Complainer - Everything is always wrong, bad, awful and miserable. They are professional whiners.
3. The Unresponsive - They are silent, non-communicative, unemotional, and distant. It is impossible to tell what their position is on anything.
4. The Indecisive - Perpetually ambivalent, uncommitted; they are afraid of making mistakes, being wrong, and being exposed.
5. The Judge/Calculator - "Let me analyze this," remaining critical, pejorative, everything is slightly flawed and imperfect.
6. The Passive/Aggressive - Appearing compliant while sabotaging, undermining, and criticizing all the time.
Sound familiar? What do you do about these types when you have to work with them, answer to them, persuade them?
Here are some effective strategies that you can use: (Remember that different types require different tools, and it is helpful if you can use many people tools in your tool box).
1. Keep a smile going, remain strong, impervious to the manipulations (works well on the Negative Complainers).
2. Remove yourself (when possible) from the difficult person (it's a frustration when they are without an audience) (works on the Bully).
3. Validate their opinion before you counter with yours. They will be less difficult when they feel valued.
4. Listen first. Listening is the best way to get your point across. As Dr. Stephen Covey says in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, seek first to understand, then be understood (works on everyone, especially the Judge/Calculator).
5. Replace "Yeah But" in your dialog with "On the other hand." This small change will calm down escalation of contests and conflicts.
6. Ask them to help you understand. People are less likely to be difficult when asked for help (works on the Indecisive and Unresponsive).
7. Reinforce their value following a criticism. People respond to what they heard last, therefore they will be less defensive.
8. Engage in three or more options. People will be less contestual when there are multiple options available.
9. Replace "you should" with "you might," or "I encourage you to." People get very difficult when they hear the word "should".
10. Expose the routine. Announce your confusion with mixed messages from them (sometimes effective on Passive/Aggressive).
Above all, maintain your power and your sense of humor. People can only wreck your day with your consent. Though certainly difficult people often appear to want you to enjoy their misery with them, keep in mind you can always allow them to enjoy their private party by themselves. Remember the movie, "War Games?" At the end of the movie, the computer concluded "The only way to win, is not to play." How true sometimes.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Are you an emotional eater medicating with food? That's insane - would you take a laxative for a skin disorder? No... so why would you eat a gallon of ice cream because you are lonely?
It's time to pull yourself together!
Dr. Mitchell Perry
THE PERRY PLAN
"Winning the Losing Game"
Something is clearly missing! The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention ("CDC") says that a third of the country is currently obese. Obesity is overtaking smoking as the biggest threat to our health and the numbers continue to rise every year!
Obesity raises the risk of heart disease, some cancers, diabetes, high blood pressure, and arthritis. The CDC has concluded that obesity causes about 25,814 deaths annually in the United States. Moreover, the financial costs to healthcare are staggering!
The price you pay for being overweight is huge!
Your self esteem
Your relationships
Your wallet
Your health
Your productivity
Your quality of life
The "Perry Plan" places the onus for losing weight back where it belongs -- with the participant -- rather than on quick fix diets du jour. Instead of concentrating on what goes in your mouth, concentrate on what is between your ears!
So, how do you sabotage your own commitments to lose weight?
Loss of control
Emotional or situational upset
You discount any improvements
Your defeatist attitude prevails
Lack of accountability either internal or external
Small setbacks trigger feelings of total failure
Learned helplessness and chronic powerlessness
Unable to stick with your commitments
Therefore, you give up and feel pessimistic!
The Solution: THE PERRY PLAN. It will give you the tools to insure your power to stick with your commitments to change your life for good:
LOCOMOTION: The power to move and keep moving.
OBSERVATION: The skill to eat only when you are hungry.
The awareness of why you are eating.
MOTIVATION: Inclusion - The OPTIMISM skill for POWER to stick with your commitments.
RECOVERY FROM SETBACKS: The power to get back in the saddle when you sabotage yourself.
At last, a proven program that will teach you to reprogram your state of mind to one of OPTIMISM and POWER. When you are powerful you will stick with your commitments, lose weight, keep it off, and change your life for good.
Are you an emotional eater medicating with food? That's insane - would you take a laxative for a skin disorder? No... so why would you eat a gallon of ice cream because you are lonely?
It's time to pull yourself together!
Dr. Mitchell Perry
THE PERRY PLAN
"Winning the Losing Game"
Something is clearly missing! The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention ("CDC") says that a third of the country is currently obese. Obesity is overtaking smoking as the biggest threat to our health and the numbers continue to rise every year!
Obesity raises the risk of heart disease, some cancers, diabetes, high blood pressure, and arthritis. The CDC has concluded that obesity causes about 25,814 deaths annually in the United States. Moreover, the financial costs to healthcare are staggering!
The price you pay for being overweight is huge!
Your self esteem
Your relationships
Your wallet
Your health
Your productivity
Your quality of life
The "Perry Plan" places the onus for losing weight back where it belongs -- with the participant -- rather than on quick fix diets du jour. Instead of concentrating on what goes in your mouth, concentrate on what is between your ears!
So, how do you sabotage your own commitments to lose weight?
Loss of control
Emotional or situational upset
You discount any improvements
Your defeatist attitude prevails
Lack of accountability either internal or external
Small setbacks trigger feelings of total failure
Learned helplessness and chronic powerlessness
Unable to stick with your commitments
Therefore, you give up and feel pessimistic!
The Solution: THE PERRY PLAN. It will give you the tools to insure your power to stick with your commitments to change your life for good:
LOCOMOTION: The power to move and keep moving.
OBSERVATION: The skill to eat only when you are hungry.
The awareness of why you are eating.
MOTIVATION: Inclusion - The OPTIMISM skill for POWER to stick with your commitments.
RECOVERY FROM SETBACKS: The power to get back in the saddle when you sabotage yourself.
At last, a proven program that will teach you to reprogram your state of mind to one of OPTIMISM and POWER. When you are powerful you will stick with your commitments, lose weight, keep it off, and change your life for good.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Hello:
People are shoulding on themselves and each other all the time! The ongoing result is pushback and misery.
Dr. Mitchell Perry
"Shoulding on Yourself and Others"
Have you ever noticed how often people will talk to us about a problem, and we begin to tell them what they "should" do about it? Even after hearing our sage advice, irrespective of how practical, logical, and sensible it might be, they dig in their heels and resist what you claim they "should" do.
We also do this to ourselves. Have you noticed yourself saying, "I should do this" or "I really should avoid doing that," and then you steadfastly resist whatever it is you're telling yourself to do? Have you ever noticed how miserable people feel whenever they compulsively keep doing whatever it is they think they should do, rather than what they want to do? It seems there are so many things they should do, say, think, feel, quit, start, etc., that they seldom get around to enjoying anything.
If all of this sounds familiar, you are an unknowing participant in the "should bind." What you may have failed to consider is that whenever you deal with a "should," you have immediately created an obstacle to any progress or success. A "should" is a put-down, designed to point out how stupid the person is who receives it.
Suppose you have a friend who is overweight and out of shape. For a long time, you have been watching your friend overeat without exercising. You are now concerned about his physical condition because these eating habits are jeopardizing his good health and longevity. So, you say, with admirable intentions: "John, you should lose weight. You should diet and exercise because you know your current weight is unhealthy for you." Notice how your friend handles these remarks! He appears affronted and upset and simply refuses to heed them regardless of their validity. Why? What you have really told him is that he is stupid - if he was smart, he would have already lost the weight! The "should" was, in reality, a put-down that resulted in a typical resistant stance.
You "Should" on yourself too! You may notice too that whenever you tell yourself you should diet and exercise, you are reluctant to do what you "should" do. List all of your own "shoulds." They may be overwhelmingly abundant and sound something like this:
I should lose weight. I should stop smoking. I should exercise. I should spend more time with my kids. I should finish my degree. I should call my mother. I should be more patient. I should listen. I shouldn't feel guilty. I shouldn't worry. I shouldn't take things so personally.
Perhaps your list appears endless. Notice whenever you should on yourself out loud, you begin to feel badly, defensive, resentful and resistant? There is a complete absence of motivation.
Sometimes, as parents, we tell our children what they "should" and "shouldn't" do, feel and behave. Though our intentions are honorable and we have the utmost concern for their welfare, we become confused when often our children meet our advice with resistance. Why is that? In actuality, we have put them down rather than helped them out. For instance, suppose your daughter is too frightened to swim and you say: You shouldn't feel afraid. You have really told your child that her feelings are stupid and invalid. She will still feel afraid but now she also feels inferior and stupid because her fear has been undermined.
More closely examined, the "shoulds" are purely guilt producers. The feeling generated by any "should" remark is initially guilt but this is quickly turned to resentment then resistance. I have seldom known anyone who really liked being dealt "shoulds" on a regular basis.
An even more self-defeating "should" is placed in the past tense, namely, "I should have done this, or You should have remembered..." To constantly berate yourself over what you should or shouldn't have done is unbelievably destructive. Why? Because it is impossible to alter the past! It has already happened and is past the point of change. To continually beat yourself about it is reactive and destructive. Progress and improvement are impossible leaving room only for guilt and self-hate.
What is a solution to "Shoulding" on yourself and others?
I heartily encourage you delete all "shoulds" from your vocabulary and substitute them with "mights" and "wants." Remember that the first thing people will do when they feel forced is resist. The "shoulds" are a form of force. People resist vehemently. Removing the "shoulds" from your dialogue will provide less force, thereby resulting in less unnecessary resistance. There are three ways to rephrase the overused "should" in your daily conversations. Each has a different level of intensity. They are:
"You might... "
"I urge / encourage / suggest / recommend you consider... "
"I want you to... "
Notice if you say to your overweight friend, "John, you might want to lose weight," "I would encourage you to consider losing weight," or "I want you to lose weight." He will feel much less resistant to your suggestion and more motivated to start losing weight because essentially he still has the option to refuse your advice without losing face or feeling stupid. You, of course, select one of the three options depending on your style, the closeness of the relationship, and the desired level of impact.
Removing ourselves from the tyranny of the "shoulding" on ourselves by substituting the "wants" and "mights" is a beneficial change. If you say to yourself, "I should lose weight," it is likely you will feel badly that you have yet to do it. On the other hand, if you say, "I want to lose weight," it is more likely you will diet because your resistance is down, and your levels of guilt and bad feelings are diminished.
Remember, ultimately you are only going to do what you want to do. You will be impressed with how much more you can get done with less resistance when you concentrate on changing those "shoulds" to "wants." I encourage you to take your list of "shoulds" and change them to "wants." Then read them aloud and notice how you feel different immediately!
In summary, the "shoulds" create resistance, when either self-imposed, or levied on others. Wipe out all the "shoulds" and consider the "mights" when speaking with others, and use the "wants" when speaking to yourself. You will be quite surprised with the positive results.
Hello:
People are shoulding on themselves and each other all the time! The ongoing result is pushback and misery.
Dr. Mitchell Perry
"Shoulding on Yourself and Others"
Have you ever noticed how often people will talk to us about a problem, and we begin to tell them what they "should" do about it? Even after hearing our sage advice, irrespective of how practical, logical, and sensible it might be, they dig in their heels and resist what you claim they "should" do.
We also do this to ourselves. Have you noticed yourself saying, "I should do this" or "I really should avoid doing that," and then you steadfastly resist whatever it is you're telling yourself to do? Have you ever noticed how miserable people feel whenever they compulsively keep doing whatever it is they think they should do, rather than what they want to do? It seems there are so many things they should do, say, think, feel, quit, start, etc., that they seldom get around to enjoying anything.
If all of this sounds familiar, you are an unknowing participant in the "should bind." What you may have failed to consider is that whenever you deal with a "should," you have immediately created an obstacle to any progress or success. A "should" is a put-down, designed to point out how stupid the person is who receives it.
Suppose you have a friend who is overweight and out of shape. For a long time, you have been watching your friend overeat without exercising. You are now concerned about his physical condition because these eating habits are jeopardizing his good health and longevity. So, you say, with admirable intentions: "John, you should lose weight. You should diet and exercise because you know your current weight is unhealthy for you." Notice how your friend handles these remarks! He appears affronted and upset and simply refuses to heed them regardless of their validity. Why? What you have really told him is that he is stupid - if he was smart, he would have already lost the weight! The "should" was, in reality, a put-down that resulted in a typical resistant stance.
You "Should" on yourself too! You may notice too that whenever you tell yourself you should diet and exercise, you are reluctant to do what you "should" do. List all of your own "shoulds." They may be overwhelmingly abundant and sound something like this:
I should lose weight. I should stop smoking. I should exercise. I should spend more time with my kids. I should finish my degree. I should call my mother. I should be more patient. I should listen. I shouldn't feel guilty. I shouldn't worry. I shouldn't take things so personally.
Perhaps your list appears endless. Notice whenever you should on yourself out loud, you begin to feel badly, defensive, resentful and resistant? There is a complete absence of motivation.
Sometimes, as parents, we tell our children what they "should" and "shouldn't" do, feel and behave. Though our intentions are honorable and we have the utmost concern for their welfare, we become confused when often our children meet our advice with resistance. Why is that? In actuality, we have put them down rather than helped them out. For instance, suppose your daughter is too frightened to swim and you say: You shouldn't feel afraid. You have really told your child that her feelings are stupid and invalid. She will still feel afraid but now she also feels inferior and stupid because her fear has been undermined.
More closely examined, the "shoulds" are purely guilt producers. The feeling generated by any "should" remark is initially guilt but this is quickly turned to resentment then resistance. I have seldom known anyone who really liked being dealt "shoulds" on a regular basis.
An even more self-defeating "should" is placed in the past tense, namely, "I should have done this, or You should have remembered..." To constantly berate yourself over what you should or shouldn't have done is unbelievably destructive. Why? Because it is impossible to alter the past! It has already happened and is past the point of change. To continually beat yourself about it is reactive and destructive. Progress and improvement are impossible leaving room only for guilt and self-hate.
What is a solution to "Shoulding" on yourself and others?
I heartily encourage you delete all "shoulds" from your vocabulary and substitute them with "mights" and "wants." Remember that the first thing people will do when they feel forced is resist. The "shoulds" are a form of force. People resist vehemently. Removing the "shoulds" from your dialogue will provide less force, thereby resulting in less unnecessary resistance. There are three ways to rephrase the overused "should" in your daily conversations. Each has a different level of intensity. They are:
"You might... "
"I urge / encourage / suggest / recommend you consider... "
"I want you to... "
Notice if you say to your overweight friend, "John, you might want to lose weight," "I would encourage you to consider losing weight," or "I want you to lose weight." He will feel much less resistant to your suggestion and more motivated to start losing weight because essentially he still has the option to refuse your advice without losing face or feeling stupid. You, of course, select one of the three options depending on your style, the closeness of the relationship, and the desired level of impact.
Removing ourselves from the tyranny of the "shoulding" on ourselves by substituting the "wants" and "mights" is a beneficial change. If you say to yourself, "I should lose weight," it is likely you will feel badly that you have yet to do it. On the other hand, if you say, "I want to lose weight," it is more likely you will diet because your resistance is down, and your levels of guilt and bad feelings are diminished.
Remember, ultimately you are only going to do what you want to do. You will be impressed with how much more you can get done with less resistance when you concentrate on changing those "shoulds" to "wants." I encourage you to take your list of "shoulds" and change them to "wants." Then read them aloud and notice how you feel different immediately!
In summary, the "shoulds" create resistance, when either self-imposed, or levied on others. Wipe out all the "shoulds" and consider the "mights" when speaking with others, and use the "wants" when speaking to yourself. You will be quite surprised with the positive results.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Hello,
Taking things too personally is a colossal waste of time and energy. You will notice afterwards you had very little to do with what you catastrophized about.
Dr. Mitchell Perry
Taking Things Too Personally "I take things too personally" is a remark I hear frequently from clients and friends. If your spouse comes home crabby, do you feel responsible, guilty, irritated, and finally, crabby yourself? If you fail to get an invitation to lunch, or to a party or wedding, do you take it personally and then doubt yourself and your popularity? If someone else gets the contract, do you believe you have failed to deliver? If your boss forgets to say good morning, do you automatically think that he/she is mad at you? If your guests want to go home early, does that immediately suggest they dislike your company?
Frequently, we have our whole day ruined because someone else's behavior rubs off on us, and we feel responsible. We often find that whenever someone else is upset, we feel a great pressure that somehow we are to blame. As a result, we take their behavior personally, which makes us defensive, anxious, miserable and insecure.
It is important to gain some understanding as to the roots of this problem, and look at some possible reasons why we become hypersensitive and take things too personally. With this understanding, you'll gain some valuable perspectives on how to handle the problem.
1. Setting up a crisis to look for approval.
Most of us have a great need for approval and validation from others. We want to get strokes and reinforcement on a regular basis from just about everybody. Sometimes, we will deliberately set up situations in order to receive reinforcement. When we take things personally, we are invariably upset by feeling responsible for another person's mood or behavior. Often this creates a crisis whereby other people now have to reinforce us and give us the approval that we're okay.
2. Obtain insurance for belonging to others and against having to be alone.
Many of us have a great problem with the thought of being alone. Moreover, many of us have spent our entire lives without ever having been alone, so the prospect of being alone creates great panic and anxiety. We'll strive consciously and unconsciously to connect and belong with other people. Taking things too personally is a device to ensure "belonging" with others. When you feel responsible for another person's behavior, you get to belong to that person's situation and therefore can avoid feeling alone. You may find that if you have a great need to take care of other people and belong to them, you will also tend to take personally many of the moods and situations that they own. In this way, hypersensitivity becomes a device which allows us to avoid being alone and promotes the feeling that we have a place of great significance -we get to be responsible (for someone else's behavior!)
3. Obtain insurance against maturing, growing up, and being an adult.
When taking things very personally, many people exhibit childish and infantile behavior. Sometimes they pout, behave in a socially inappropriate way, become very silent and cold, or become dramatic and explosive. Much of the time, this kind of behavior is both childish and counterproductive to progress in relationships. In addition, when people take things too personally, they fail to distinguish themselves from the behavior of others; they are unable to differentiate between what is inside or outside of them. They tend to lose track of whose behavior is whose! This condition, referred to as over-generalizing, occurs when an individual thinks that he/she is always, in some way, connected to the behavior of others (much the way children think). By taking something too personally, you have ensured that you can behave childishly because you think you must have something to do with another person's mood or behavior. Consequently, the process of maturing, growing, and being adult is retarded.
4. We get to enhance our narcissism.
Narcissism is the tendency to be wrapped up in ourselves - thinking the world revolves around us. Most adolescents feel this way. They are obsessed with their clothes, activities, social groups, fads, language, and their impact on others. They delude themselves into thinking they are necessary and central to the progress of everything. Narcissism is the need to be significant and important. Taking things too personally enhances narcissism because if we think we must be responsible for external events, then we've just reinforced the delusional need to be important and significant to everything and everyone around us. Certainly the tendency to take things too personally is quite common and extremely counterproductive. Hypersensitive people are always ready to react to others around them and are rarely, if ever, in a proactive control position. In addition, the thinking focus is geared toward outcome rather than process. For these types learning is absent and is unfortunately replaced by observing, agonizing, and obsessing about themselves.
What can you do? When you observe distressing behavior in someone else and find you're taking it too personally, it will help to consider the following three questions:
1. "Am I responsible for what has just occurred?"
When a loved one, friend, or business associate is in a bad mood, seems irritable, pouty, depressed, impatient, defiant, etc., ask yourself the question "Am I really responsible for this person's behavior?" Often you will realize that you are seldom if ever responsible, and the other person has chosen to behave that way for a myriad of reasons unconnected to you. Further, if the person refuses to tell you what is wrong, avoid fretting over the problem and feeling anxious about it yourself. Just let the person be miserable and give him/her permission to explain whenever he or she is ready.
2. Is this my problem?
This question is critical. There are times when "yes" appears to be the only answer. Even when the other person's behavior has absolutely zero to do with you, it still appears to become your problem. However, it is important to remember that the problem only becomes yours when you choose to make it yours. It is much more likely, after some serious evaluation, you will conclude that the problem is in fact owned by someone else. So the answer to this question should typically be a very reassuring "no".
3. Do I have to get upset?
Certainly you can get upset if you want. You can become anxious, worried, and lean toward crisis-junkie catastrophizing, but do you really have to? Is it a necessary obligation that you must be upset? Remind yourself that being upset is a choice, and that you can choose to remain calm and unaffected by the other person's behavior. Further, it is important to renounce the thinking that becoming upset is a way of showing you care about another person. There are other numerous and appropriate ways of showing high regard. Caring is typically unrelated to self-thrashing.
These three questions are immensely helpful in controlling the natural knee-jerk reflex of becoming hypersensitive and taking things too personally. Whenever you start to automatically feel responsible for situations happening around you and begin doubting your own adequacy, these questions can help control that temptation.
So again, remember to ask yourself:
1. Am I responsible for this person's actions?
2. Is this my problem?
3. Do I have to get upset?
When one or more of the answers is "no"; you will begin to notice rapid growth and recovery in yourself, and waste less time on unnecessary conflict, anxiety, or hypersensitivity.
In conclusion, ask yourself the following: 1. What am I noticing about my tendency to take things too personally? 2. What are my options? 3. What am I learning about these options? 4. What will I now do differently? You will see rapid growth in yourself and spend far less time consumed with unnecessary conflict or anxiety.
Hey Guys!
When your woman gets emotionally spun-up -- sometimes she turns into the "Wicked Witch of the West" and so what do you do? Tell her she's irrational? Abandon her? Pour water on her?
Do you ever notice that those all work poorly? What to do instead? SCOOP HER! (See below)
Dr. Perry on You Tube New: Scooping
The Magic is in the obvious... so, Embrace Common Sense!
This is the latest in my You Tube videos... SCOOPING! It works! Check it out.
As we all know, common sense is very uncommon! That is why we have put together some video vignettes that are sensible, prudent, practical, logical, and reflecting sound judgement. There are now 12 video vignettes on several subjects including:
Taking things too personally is a colossal waste of time and energy. You will notice afterwards you had very little to do with what you catastrophized about.
Dr. Mitchell Perry
Taking Things Too Personally "I take things too personally" is a remark I hear frequently from clients and friends. If your spouse comes home crabby, do you feel responsible, guilty, irritated, and finally, crabby yourself? If you fail to get an invitation to lunch, or to a party or wedding, do you take it personally and then doubt yourself and your popularity? If someone else gets the contract, do you believe you have failed to deliver? If your boss forgets to say good morning, do you automatically think that he/she is mad at you? If your guests want to go home early, does that immediately suggest they dislike your company?
Frequently, we have our whole day ruined because someone else's behavior rubs off on us, and we feel responsible. We often find that whenever someone else is upset, we feel a great pressure that somehow we are to blame. As a result, we take their behavior personally, which makes us defensive, anxious, miserable and insecure.
It is important to gain some understanding as to the roots of this problem, and look at some possible reasons why we become hypersensitive and take things too personally. With this understanding, you'll gain some valuable perspectives on how to handle the problem.
1. Setting up a crisis to look for approval.
Most of us have a great need for approval and validation from others. We want to get strokes and reinforcement on a regular basis from just about everybody. Sometimes, we will deliberately set up situations in order to receive reinforcement. When we take things personally, we are invariably upset by feeling responsible for another person's mood or behavior. Often this creates a crisis whereby other people now have to reinforce us and give us the approval that we're okay.
2. Obtain insurance for belonging to others and against having to be alone.
Many of us have a great problem with the thought of being alone. Moreover, many of us have spent our entire lives without ever having been alone, so the prospect of being alone creates great panic and anxiety. We'll strive consciously and unconsciously to connect and belong with other people. Taking things too personally is a device to ensure "belonging" with others. When you feel responsible for another person's behavior, you get to belong to that person's situation and therefore can avoid feeling alone. You may find that if you have a great need to take care of other people and belong to them, you will also tend to take personally many of the moods and situations that they own. In this way, hypersensitivity becomes a device which allows us to avoid being alone and promotes the feeling that we have a place of great significance -we get to be responsible (for someone else's behavior!)
3. Obtain insurance against maturing, growing up, and being an adult.
When taking things very personally, many people exhibit childish and infantile behavior. Sometimes they pout, behave in a socially inappropriate way, become very silent and cold, or become dramatic and explosive. Much of the time, this kind of behavior is both childish and counterproductive to progress in relationships. In addition, when people take things too personally, they fail to distinguish themselves from the behavior of others; they are unable to differentiate between what is inside or outside of them. They tend to lose track of whose behavior is whose! This condition, referred to as over-generalizing, occurs when an individual thinks that he/she is always, in some way, connected to the behavior of others (much the way children think). By taking something too personally, you have ensured that you can behave childishly because you think you must have something to do with another person's mood or behavior. Consequently, the process of maturing, growing, and being adult is retarded.
4. We get to enhance our narcissism.
Narcissism is the tendency to be wrapped up in ourselves - thinking the world revolves around us. Most adolescents feel this way. They are obsessed with their clothes, activities, social groups, fads, language, and their impact on others. They delude themselves into thinking they are necessary and central to the progress of everything. Narcissism is the need to be significant and important. Taking things too personally enhances narcissism because if we think we must be responsible for external events, then we've just reinforced the delusional need to be important and significant to everything and everyone around us. Certainly the tendency to take things too personally is quite common and extremely counterproductive. Hypersensitive people are always ready to react to others around them and are rarely, if ever, in a proactive control position. In addition, the thinking focus is geared toward outcome rather than process. For these types learning is absent and is unfortunately replaced by observing, agonizing, and obsessing about themselves.
What can you do? When you observe distressing behavior in someone else and find you're taking it too personally, it will help to consider the following three questions:
1. "Am I responsible for what has just occurred?"
When a loved one, friend, or business associate is in a bad mood, seems irritable, pouty, depressed, impatient, defiant, etc., ask yourself the question "Am I really responsible for this person's behavior?" Often you will realize that you are seldom if ever responsible, and the other person has chosen to behave that way for a myriad of reasons unconnected to you. Further, if the person refuses to tell you what is wrong, avoid fretting over the problem and feeling anxious about it yourself. Just let the person be miserable and give him/her permission to explain whenever he or she is ready.
2. Is this my problem?
This question is critical. There are times when "yes" appears to be the only answer. Even when the other person's behavior has absolutely zero to do with you, it still appears to become your problem. However, it is important to remember that the problem only becomes yours when you choose to make it yours. It is much more likely, after some serious evaluation, you will conclude that the problem is in fact owned by someone else. So the answer to this question should typically be a very reassuring "no".
3. Do I have to get upset?
Certainly you can get upset if you want. You can become anxious, worried, and lean toward crisis-junkie catastrophizing, but do you really have to? Is it a necessary obligation that you must be upset? Remind yourself that being upset is a choice, and that you can choose to remain calm and unaffected by the other person's behavior. Further, it is important to renounce the thinking that becoming upset is a way of showing you care about another person. There are other numerous and appropriate ways of showing high regard. Caring is typically unrelated to self-thrashing.
These three questions are immensely helpful in controlling the natural knee-jerk reflex of becoming hypersensitive and taking things too personally. Whenever you start to automatically feel responsible for situations happening around you and begin doubting your own adequacy, these questions can help control that temptation.
So again, remember to ask yourself:
1. Am I responsible for this person's actions?
2. Is this my problem?
3. Do I have to get upset?
When one or more of the answers is "no"; you will begin to notice rapid growth and recovery in yourself, and waste less time on unnecessary conflict, anxiety, or hypersensitivity.
In conclusion, ask yourself the following: 1. What am I noticing about my tendency to take things too personally? 2. What are my options? 3. What am I learning about these options? 4. What will I now do differently? You will see rapid growth in yourself and spend far less time consumed with unnecessary conflict or anxiety.
Hey Guys!
When your woman gets emotionally spun-up -- sometimes she turns into the "Wicked Witch of the West" and so what do you do? Tell her she's irrational? Abandon her? Pour water on her?
Do you ever notice that those all work poorly? What to do instead? SCOOP HER! (See below)
Dr. Perry on You Tube New: Scooping
The Magic is in the obvious... so, Embrace Common Sense!
This is the latest in my You Tube videos... SCOOPING! It works! Check it out.
As we all know, common sense is very uncommon! That is why we have put together some video vignettes that are sensible, prudent, practical, logical, and reflecting sound judgement. There are now 12 video vignettes on several subjects including:
- Responding to a Thank You
- The Yeah Buts
- The Success Formula
- Taking Things Too Personally
- Common Sense
- Shoulding on Others
- Reinforcement
- Multiple Options
- Thank You Notes
- Announcing Your Honesty
- Scooping
If you want to DO WHAT YOU KNOW, you must equip yourself with the TOOLS to help you engage COMMON SENSE.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
When you change your language, you will change your life. Tell it like it is!
Dr. Mitchell Perry
Speak in Inclusion: The Road to Optimism
If you could live the rest of your life more optimistically or pessimistically, which would you choose? I've asked that question of thousands of people in a dozen countries around the world and they always say the same thing - OPTIMISTICALLY. Why? Because most everyone suspects that living optimistically is better all around. The research shows that people who are more optimistic live longer, are healthier, recover faster from setbacks, lead happier lives, and are up to 50% more productive.
So, if all that is true, and most of us would prefer to be optimistic, how can we learn to do it?
I have found a method that works: Speak in the Language of Inclusion!
Consider this: most children up to age 12 are generally much more optimistic than adults. Then consider how they speak. They talk about what everything IS... "It's great, it's neat, it's awesome, it's stupid, it's boring, it's awful, it's the bomb." Kids speak this way all the time. They say what it IS, even when they are speaking about something they dislike.
Grownups on the other hand speak in Exclusion 90% of the time. They talk about what everything is NOT... "It's not bad, it's not a problem, it's not as bad as it looks, I have no argument, if nothing gets in our way, no problem, there's not a day that goes by that I don't want to, I don't see any reason why you can't, why don't you..."
If you start noticing your speech, you will notice your language is in EXCLUSION most of the time. Is it possible that this exclusionary language is also affecting your outlook?
If you are always talking about what is NOT there (what is missing) then it's quite difficult to be optimistic. Could it be that your habit of language is actually keeping you pessimistic?
So, what to do? Learn a lesson from children and CHANGE YOUR LANGUAGE TO INCLUSION. Simply look for the word "not" in your language and replace it with something inclusive. Instead of "no problem," say "it's a pleasure."
Instead of "why don't we," say "how about we." Instead of "I don't disagree," say "I agree." Instead of "not only that," say "in addition to that."
You will be amazed over time to see how this small change in your language will have a powerful effect on you and your outlook on life. Simply say what it IS instead of what it is NOT.
So, if you want to be more optimistic, change your language and change your life... Tell it like it is!
Dr. Mitchell Perry
Speak in Inclusion: The Road to Optimism
If you could live the rest of your life more optimistically or pessimistically, which would you choose? I've asked that question of thousands of people in a dozen countries around the world and they always say the same thing - OPTIMISTICALLY. Why? Because most everyone suspects that living optimistically is better all around. The research shows that people who are more optimistic live longer, are healthier, recover faster from setbacks, lead happier lives, and are up to 50% more productive.
So, if all that is true, and most of us would prefer to be optimistic, how can we learn to do it?
I have found a method that works: Speak in the Language of Inclusion!
Consider this: most children up to age 12 are generally much more optimistic than adults. Then consider how they speak. They talk about what everything IS... "It's great, it's neat, it's awesome, it's stupid, it's boring, it's awful, it's the bomb." Kids speak this way all the time. They say what it IS, even when they are speaking about something they dislike.
Grownups on the other hand speak in Exclusion 90% of the time. They talk about what everything is NOT... "It's not bad, it's not a problem, it's not as bad as it looks, I have no argument, if nothing gets in our way, no problem, there's not a day that goes by that I don't want to, I don't see any reason why you can't, why don't you..."
If you start noticing your speech, you will notice your language is in EXCLUSION most of the time. Is it possible that this exclusionary language is also affecting your outlook?
If you are always talking about what is NOT there (what is missing) then it's quite difficult to be optimistic. Could it be that your habit of language is actually keeping you pessimistic?
So, what to do? Learn a lesson from children and CHANGE YOUR LANGUAGE TO INCLUSION. Simply look for the word "not" in your language and replace it with something inclusive. Instead of "no problem," say "it's a pleasure."
Instead of "why don't we," say "how about we." Instead of "I don't disagree," say "I agree." Instead of "not only that," say "in addition to that."
You will be amazed over time to see how this small change in your language will have a powerful effect on you and your outlook on life. Simply say what it IS instead of what it is NOT.
So, if you want to be more optimistic, change your language and change your life... Tell it like it is!
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Hello Everyone!
You must remember the power of three or more options whenever you have stress, upset, anxiety, or conflict. Multiple options will calm you down and help you to think clearly to resolve the issue.
Dr. Mitchell Perry
Create Multiple Options: The Most Powerful Key to Resolving Conflict and Engaging Recovery
When people are in any type of stressful situation or conflict, they become anxious and polarize i.e. think in TWO OPTIONS: right/wrong, good/bad, success/failure, all/nothing, ally/enemy, together/apart, win/lose, etc.
When people polarize, they are stuck - usually fixated and obsessing on the negative of the two options: the bad, the loss, the failure, the wrong... which grinds any potential progress or resolution to a halt.
The result? Constant fear, worry, anxiety, anger, suspicion, and conflict. You can see this behavior often in issues surrounding unions and management, religions, divorces, parenting, political parties, lawsuits, and government.
What to do? In every situation, CREATE MULTIPLE OPTIONS - Minimum 3! It is amazing how powerful three options can be in any situation that might be problematic.
Example: You are about to close an important sales deal with a client. You name your price and your client balks. Your client wants the "hamburger" but not at your price. It is looking like a lost cause. He pays your price or you walk. It is rapidly becoming an all or nothing situation.
To break the deadlock, try changing your strategy: Offer him three options: "hamburger, cheeseburger, or cheeseburger with fries," three options, three price points.
Set in the context of the magic third option, you will be amazed how reasonable the original hamburger option now appears to your client. And what's even better... he is now even considering the "cheeseburger with fries."
The message is simple: In every conflict situation, CREATE MULTIPLE OPTIONS - MINIMUM 3! It works!
TUNE-UP YOUR UNION WITH DR. MITCHELL PERRY ON THE COUPLES' CRUISE to MAJESTIC ALASKA - SEPTEMBER 7-14!
Join this Couples' Cruise on September 7 through September 14 with renowned relationship expert Dr. Mitchell Perry on the magnificent ship, Infinity, touring the beauty and magic of Alaska.
Enjoy his funny, lively, and informative sessions on relationships, love, and strengthening your union. Whether you are: going steady, engaged, married, been together for many years, or trying it one more time, this cruise is perfect for you and your partner.
Private cocktail reception with Dr. Perry
Prepaid onboard gratuities
Several workshops with Dr. Perry Couples'
Camp 4-disc CD set
Champagne upon arrival in each stateroom
Other goodies and surprises!
This voyage with Dr. Perry is limited to 50 couples, so be sure to make your reservations early, as the first 5 couples to sign up will be able to attend an additional exclusive private workshop with Dr. Perry during the voyage.
This adventure is the perfect combination of experiencing:
The majesty of Alaska
Cruising aboard the beautiful Celebrity Cruise Ship - Infinity
How to tune-up your relationship with more love, fun, intimacy, commitment, and passion.
Every Couple attending will laugh, learn, and love the experience!
THE ULTIMATE VACATION FOR YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONE. CALL SANTA BARBARA TRAVEL AT 805 650 6999 or for more information go to: http://jmperrylearning.blogspot.com/2012/02/couples-cruise-to-alaska.html
Dr. Mitchell Perry
Create Multiple Options: The Most Powerful Key to Resolving Conflict and Engaging Recovery
When people are in any type of stressful situation or conflict, they become anxious and polarize i.e. think in TWO OPTIONS: right/wrong, good/bad, success/failure, all/nothing, ally/enemy, together/apart, win/lose, etc.
When people polarize, they are stuck - usually fixated and obsessing on the negative of the two options: the bad, the loss, the failure, the wrong... which grinds any potential progress or resolution to a halt.
The result? Constant fear, worry, anxiety, anger, suspicion, and conflict. You can see this behavior often in issues surrounding unions and management, religions, divorces, parenting, political parties, lawsuits, and government.
What to do? In every situation, CREATE MULTIPLE OPTIONS - Minimum 3! It is amazing how powerful three options can be in any situation that might be problematic.
Example: You are about to close an important sales deal with a client. You name your price and your client balks. Your client wants the "hamburger" but not at your price. It is looking like a lost cause. He pays your price or you walk. It is rapidly becoming an all or nothing situation.
To break the deadlock, try changing your strategy: Offer him three options: "hamburger, cheeseburger, or cheeseburger with fries," three options, three price points.
Set in the context of the magic third option, you will be amazed how reasonable the original hamburger option now appears to your client. And what's even better... he is now even considering the "cheeseburger with fries."
The message is simple: In every conflict situation, CREATE MULTIPLE OPTIONS - MINIMUM 3! It works!
TUNE-UP YOUR UNION WITH DR. MITCHELL PERRY ON THE COUPLES' CRUISE to MAJESTIC ALASKA - SEPTEMBER 7-14!
Join this Couples' Cruise on September 7 through September 14 with renowned relationship expert Dr. Mitchell Perry on the magnificent ship, Infinity, touring the beauty and magic of Alaska.
Enjoy his funny, lively, and informative sessions on relationships, love, and strengthening your union. Whether you are: going steady, engaged, married, been together for many years, or trying it one more time, this cruise is perfect for you and your partner.
Private cocktail reception with Dr. Perry
Prepaid onboard gratuities
Several workshops with Dr. Perry Couples'
Camp 4-disc CD set
Champagne upon arrival in each stateroom
Other goodies and surprises!
This voyage with Dr. Perry is limited to 50 couples, so be sure to make your reservations early, as the first 5 couples to sign up will be able to attend an additional exclusive private workshop with Dr. Perry during the voyage.
This adventure is the perfect combination of experiencing:
The majesty of Alaska
Cruising aboard the beautiful Celebrity Cruise Ship - Infinity
How to tune-up your relationship with more love, fun, intimacy, commitment, and passion.
Every Couple attending will laugh, learn, and love the experience!
THE ULTIMATE VACATION FOR YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONE. CALL SANTA BARBARA TRAVEL AT 805 650 6999 or for more information go to: http://jmperrylearning.blogspot.com/2012/02/couples-cruise-to-alaska.html
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